Ali is divorcing me because he is convinced I love Dwayne. Honestly? I’m not prepared to own up to or even consider that theory right now. I don’t think it’s true. But that would explain the strangeness. I have feelings I cannot explain. Then there’s the fact that I left him out of my story. And not just the story I told Ali, but everyone. Not one person I told of my affair could say, “I knew it!” or, “I thought something went on between you two.” I shocked everyone. I’m not prepared to think about right now. I will. Just not yet. I need to get my mind right so Ali doesn’t think I’m a spaz so I can have my children. And I need a job!
I’m honestly not sure what exactly I told Billie. All I know is I spoke for a really long time, and I had that word vomit again. When my words stopped spewing over her, and she saw an opportunity to speak, she sat quietly, staring at her shoes.
“My,” she said, finally. “That was a lot… And very disappointing.”
I’m such an idiot. Why didn’t I consider it before bum-rushing her?! I wasn’t looking for her to co-sign my actions, but I thought there was a tiny chance she’d see where I was coming from. But her situation was completely opposite mine. She’s been Ali before! The man she loved and bore a son was married the entire time. I am him!
“I’m sorry, Billie! I-“
“I’m not the one you should apologize to,” she said, surprisingly calm. “Have you tried to set things right with Ali?”
“Of course! I apologized a thousand times. I promised it was just a onetime thing. I even suggested we get counseling! But…” I sighed as I remembered how listless I was in the beginning, accepting our fate before I found the will to fight. “It was too late. Plus, Ali thinks I’m in love and have things I need to figure out. He’s not willing to go through that with me.”
She nodded slowly, still listening, taking in all my mess. “I see. That is difficult. I’m sorry you have all these hard things to go through at once. I can’t imagine losing my mother, my marriage, and favorite pet all in the same week.”
“Yeah… Thanks.”
“Have you given any thought to getting counseling for yourself?”
“I have. I know I need it. But I have no idea who to talk to or trust. I’m honestly overwhelmed at the thought of searching for a reputable practice.”
A tiny smile crept across her face. “I’ve definitely been there. I thought getting over my ex was impossible until I called the Sadness Hotline.”
My head jerked back. “Really? It’s legit? I always thought it was a gimmick since the commercials play on late night TV.”
She chuckled. “I hear you. But, it’s legit. They advertise it like it’s ‘one call, that’s all,’ but it’s really just grief counseling over the phone. You can call as much as you want until you’re better, even if the sessions are not related to grief.”
“Wow. Ok. That sounds easy enough,” I said, hesitantly.
“Well…it won’t be easy. They’re gonna dig deep, and you need to be willing to do the work. But you’ll love how you are on the other side.”
I found myself getting nervous about this counseling situation, but Dereck interrupted my thoughts before I could run away with them. In the past, I’ve avoided unfamiliar things because they scared me. Mommy made me see how I needed to get out of my comfort zone. This is the same. Man. I really miss her. But I’m glad one member of my village is still around to guide me. I hope my children are better at making friends than I am because I failed to create a village for them. With any hope, they’ll create their own.
