The divorce papers arrived, finally. Things had been going so well lately. Ali and I have a good rhythm despite trying to sever ties. The kids are adjusting well enough. My life is shaping up despite the odds against me. But I suppose I got comfortable with how things are. To be honest, I don’t really think about the legal side of the divorce much, if at all. I’m not delusional. I’m well aware that I am separated from my husband. But having the papers in my hand, demanding I show up in court tomorrow, made all of it more real than it has ever been. I wasn’t ready. Isn’t that funny? All the work I’ve done on myself to be a fit parent and provide for my family, and I’m still not ready.
To make matters worse, this happened right before my weekly counseling session. Maybe it was a good thing that I was upset. It gave her a good place to start since we had not yet discussed the details of the affair. I gave her the highlights to set the foundation and let her ask questions. Naturally, she wanted to know how Ali and I met. I hadn’t talked about that night at the bar in ages. His voice was like a siren calling my name. And when we locked eyes, I was toast. There was no one else in the world for me at that point. Don’t get me wrong. Ali is an exceptionally beautiful man, but it wasn’t just about his looks. There was some kind of connection between us. He felt it too!
From there I moved onto our friendship that quickly turned into a marriage, seeing as we didn’t date very long. The counselor wanted to know more about our brief courtship, so I gave her the same speech I gave him and my mother when I tried to convince them both that we should get married. Ali was hesitant. He operates at a slower pace than me, but I was so determined to win him over. And Mommy knew better than to oppose me. I didn’t back down when I wanted Shiloh, and I certainly wouldn’t back down for the man of my dreams.
The counselor fast forwarded through the wedding and babies to the affair and asked the dreaded question. Why did I do it? Ali is everything I ever wanted. We were a great team. He’s kind, a wonderful dad, an even better lover, and fine as hell. Why would I let an old fling interfere with that? Originally, I thought it was a simple matter of giving into temptation. But now I’ve been told I was the temptress. That still stings, and I halfway believe it. The counselor wanted some background on Dwayne, so I told her about our friendship and the jungle rumbles. But by the end of that story, our time was up until next week.
After I hung up, I ran to the shower to wash away the last 30 minutes of my life. True, I should probably sit with my feelings and figure out the answer to the million dollar question, but I don’t want to. I’m not ready to admit whatever the actual truth is! I know that’s bad, and I should figure that out so I can move on with my life completely, but I’m just not ready.
I plopped in front of the TV, determined to fill my mind with idle junk for the rest of the evening, but someone knocked at the door. It took me a while to recognize her, but it was Gemma’s daughter, all grown up and looking way too much like her father. I never knew what Gemma saw in Max Villareal. I guess she said the same thing about Dwayne. The girl smiled widely, dressed like a fairy. I totally forgot it was Spooky Day. That is certainly one holiday no one cares about until they have children. I gave her a piece of candy because I’m friends with her mother. Not every child who showed up at my door was so lucky, though.
Kids can’t be the only ones having fun, right? Besides, it’s a life lesson, tee hee hee. Life is not a bucket full of treats, kids! Sometimes, there are tricks.
Later, the children stopped coming, so I returned to the living room to resume my stall tactics. I flipped through the channels 18 times, convinced I was searching for something good to watch, all the while knowing I’d never find anything. I wasn’t in the mood to enjoy anything, really. The point was to keep my brain occupied until I went to bed, but it was no use. My marriage is officially over tomorrow. I’m not ok.
