I will never turn down a visit from my children. They are my inspiration. My world! I miss them immensely when they are gone. But if there were ever a weekend I would opt to skip a visit, it would be this one. Finalizing the divorce rattled me in a way I did not expect, and I am not myself. All I want to do is lay in bed and cry all day. But my babies are here, eager to tell me all their stories and do something fun. I just…I can’t. At least not tonight. Hopefully, when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll feel completely different. But for now, I have nothing for them. Besides, spending the weekends with me shouldn’t only be a string of fun activities. I’m not a babysitter who needs to entertain them. I just want them to get out more since Ali doesn’t have the time or energy to take them anywhere. When they’re older, we’ll do more constructive activities together. But as I was saying, going out and having fun doesn’t have to be the norm when they are here. I didn’t know how they would take that, so I leveled with Luca. He’s the boss, and Alessia will follow his lead. I told him the truth and said I was really sad today and asked if it was ok if we stayed home tonight. I knew he wouldn’t mind, but I wanted him to feel like he had a choice. He’s pretty mature for his age and getting older. Ugh. Much too older. His birthday is in just three days!! I figured he would appreciate having more say in what happens. But my little guy is so observant and very much protective of me. Something I said made him very suspicious.
“Dad is sad too,” he said after glaring at me with that one eyebrow raised.
“Yeah… I bet he is.”
“Are you sad about the same thing?”
“Yeah… I suppose we are.”
“Why are you sad?”
How do I explain these complicated emotions to a child? I barely understand it myself! But, like I said, he’s getting older. And he’s smart and picks up on things quickly. He doesn’t need all the details yet, but I think it’s time for him to know what’s going on.
“Me and your dad got divorced today. Do you know what that means?”
“It means you’re not married anymore.”
I sighed in relief. At least that’s one thing I don’t need to explain. It’s hard to know what kids understand these days. “Yes, that’s right. We’re not married anymore. It’s a little sad.”
That one eyebrow went back up. “I thought you were already divorced.”
That gave me a chuckle. “It felt like that, didn’t it? Divorce is a long process. Today, it was finalized in court.”
He still had a confused look on his face, and I grew nervous from wondering what he’d ask next. But he fell onto me and wrapped his little arms around my waist.
“I love you, Mama. We can stay in if you want.”
I hugged him back and cried. “Thanks, bud. That means a lot. I love you too.”
After that, I ordered pizza. We watched movies and snuggled for the rest of the night.
