My new job cluttered my mind, and I didn’t like it. Is this what being employed feels like? Or does my job just suck? I have no other experiences to compare it to, so I hope it’s just my job. I’d been wanting to visit Lucy ever since Luca’s party, but I just didn’t have the emotional energy. She’s been so good to me. I wanted to be good to her, too. But the week got away from me, and I had to do it before Harvestfest or I’d have to wait almost a week to see her. So, one night, I got myself together and made my way over to Brindleton Bay. It was kinda weird being back there again. Everywhere I looked was like a screen playing scenes of a former life. But overall, it was good to be back.
Although it’s common courtesy to call before you come, I wanted to surprise Lucy. When she saw it was me at the door, her eyes lit up like Winterfest, and I was proud to make good on my promise, finally. Duane was home, so she took me to their bedroom to talk, since it was too chilly and damp to sit outside. Their house is small, so the bedroom was the best logical place to go. Still, a part of me grew nervous about whatever news she would share. But before we got to all that, I quickly glossed over my promotion and told her I was thinking about getting another dog. She was very happy to hear about both pieces of news and said a dog would be good for me.
After a bit of small talk, I got down to business but started off slowly. I told her she looked upset at Luca’s party and asked if everything was ok.
She turned away from me, rolling her eyes and sighing heavily. “You saw that girl with us?”
Yes! She’s going all the way in. I was trying to be respectful and tiptoe around it, but Lucy was ready.
“Yeah. Who was that?”
She let my question hang in the air for a few moments, priming me for whatever bomb she was about to drop. “Duane’s daughter.“
“I’m sorry…what??”
I thought Duane was the good brother, but now it seems those Clemons boys are all the same! Lying, cheating cowplant turds who woohoos with everyone who is willing, not caring about who they hurt!!
“Before you ask,” she said, “He didn’t cheat on me.”
I released the breath I didn’t know I held. “Well, that’s a relief. I always thought he and Devonte were different.”
“Yeah, I got the better brother. He and his friends went to Mt. Komorebi after graduation, and he met this girl there. They had a little fling or whatever, he went home, and they never saw each other again.”
I gasped. “So, the child is grown?”
“Mmm hmm. She and her high school sweetheart just got married. Since Duane and the girl didn’t know each other or exchange information, Breanne…his daughter…she grew up not knowing who her father was. So when she graduated, she searched for him.”
I gasped a second time. “Wait! So Duane didn’t know he had a child?”
She shook her head. “She just showed up one day and rocked both of our worlds.”
The picture became clearer as the details unfolded, and I treaded lightly. “So…how do you feel about all this?”
She took her time, as I expected she would, being reserved and all. “I have very complicated feelings. On one hand, I’m mad as plum and feel like they robbed me. You know how much I’ve wanted to have a child. I already have to deal with my resentment toward him for taking that away from me, saying he wasn’t ready and now thinking we’re too old. But this whole time, he HAD a child! I know he didn’t know it, but I still feel a way about it! She could have been mine! Yeah, I would have been in high school then, but you know what I mean. All this time I’ve been trying to convince him to start a family, and now HE has a child and I don’t!”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. It’s a REALLY plummy situation! You can’t really blame any one person, but someone still got hurt. I don’t know how to help my friend, but I’ll do what she did for me and make myself available for whatever she needs.
Lucy was on the verge of tears, but she took several deep breaths and continued. “I feel robbed. But I have an opportunity here. It’s not the situation I wanted, but it’s something. She has a mother, so I know she’s not seeking that kind of relationship from me. But she’s my husband’s child. I’m trying really hard to open myself and embrace her, but it’s so hard, Emmy.”
“I don’t doubt that it is,” I said. “But I don’t think anyone is expecting you to do that! Everyone in this situation has their own set of feelings they’re struggling with because this is all so new. If she’s expecting you two to be ok and accept her immediately, she needs her head examined! That’s one lesson I had to keep learning over and over again during the divorce. It’s ok to sit with our feelings! We should sit with them because swallowing them over and over will only make us sick. And when we can’t swallow anymore, it’s all gonna come out, and it’s gonna be bad. Take whatever time you need and be honest with them about how you feel.”
She smiled, so I guess I validated her feelings. But guilt crept up inside of me. That advice I gave came from experience, but there was still one thing I continue to swallow, and I feel like I may be getting to the point where I won’t be able to swallow it anymore. And when it comes up, it’s going to be an unintelligible mess. I can’t keep running from Dwayne and these unidentified feelings. After my kids leave this weekend, I’m going to have a long chat with myself. It’s time.
