When we got home, I hesitated to go inside. Ali would arrive soon to pick up the kids, and he never hung around long enough for proper conversation, so I waited outside to catch him so we could talk about living arrangements. The kids were at their wit’s end, and frankly, I too am anxious about it. I told them to go inside and not to leave the house, not even to go to the backyard. I have no idea how Ali feels about this. Just in case we’re on opposing sides, I didn’t want the kids to see or hear us arguing because I was prepared to fight for this if I needed to.
Ali arrived and tried to rush past me, just as I expected he would.
I called for him just as he was about to open the door. “We need to talk about…you know.”
He sighed. “You wanna do that now?”
“Ali, if we don’t make a decision soon, the kids are going to riot! I don’t think you want to hear about this for the rest of the week, do you?”
“Yeah, ok. Sure.”
We walked in silence to the end of our street and another block down the river. I chose the far side of the park for our discussion, just in case the kids got nosy and disobeyed me. They wouldn’t be able to see us with all the bushes, and hopefully the extra distance muffled our voices.
“I need to say something before we get into this,” he said.
“Ok.”
“I want to apologize for how I acted at Harvestfest.”
I knew that comment was too weighty to be a joke!
“Alessia couldn’t have said it better,” he continued. “It was petty. You didn’t deserve that. And that’s not me. I’m sorry.”
I moved on quickly from that and didn’t need him to apologize, but it was still nice to hear. “I accept.”
He nodded, and I tried to transition to the next topic, but I couldn’t. Since confirming his feelings, I needed to understand.
“Ali… If you don’t mind…why did my gift upset you?”
He waved his hand dismissively. “It was nothing. Long week…we argued…it’s nothing.”
“Come on, Ali. I know you! And you said so yourself you’re not a petty person.”
He stared out at the river, determined not to answer me.
I didn’t want to fight with him, but I really wanted an answer. “I want to understand! I’ve always had money. Why is it suddenly a problem, or have you always had feelings about it?”
He leaned forward, rubbing his forehead with his palms. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“So, help me!”
He sat up and let out the biggest sigh. “I’m a man, Em. I grew up in a traditional family, and my parents raised me to be the main breadwinner.”
Something about that statement got his head shaking. “But when I met you, I had nothing. Literally nothing. You brought me into your life, and it was fine at first because it made sense. I figured I’d get a job and everything would be fine. But it wasn’t enough. Even with a few promotions under my belt, I’d never be able to afford this house. But what could I do? Ask you to downsize to accommodate my ego? That’s selfish. You didn’t need me to provide for you, and that should have been a relief, but it wasn’t. Men take pride in being able to provide for our families. But if we can’t, what good are we?”
His words stung like poisonous bees in the jungle. How could he think such things? Money isn’t everything. “Ali! You provided so much more than money, though! You loved us. I’d take that any day over someone who can buy me everything. One of my favorite memories of you is when I was pregnant with Luca, and you woke up early one morning to cook, like, 17 meals so I could focus on resting. I will never forget that! When Grim Reaper comes, and the purple haze surrounds me, those are the things that will flash across my head, not that you bought me gifts and paid our bills on time. The kids will feel that way too!”
His head shook more furiously. “They don’t, Em. At least not yet. You said this isn’t a competition, but it totally is.”
“It’s not!”
“It is! Luca didn’t ask me for a tablet or request dinner at a fancy restaurant. He went to you. They go to you for everything because they know I can’t do it.”
And suddenly, like fog lifting, it all became so clear. He feels useless, and I sympathize with that. But the fact remains. That is his issue, not mine. “So what do you want me to do, Ali? Stop buying my children nice things?”
“I don’t want you to do anything! You wanted to understand how I feel. This is how I feel.”
Though it’s not mine to fix or even manage, I wish there was something I could do about it that did not involve depriving my children…which I won’t do.
“Maybe,” he began, “…maybe just…let me know what your plans are next time. Maybe sometimes we could tag team, or something.”
“Ok. I can do that… And for the record…Luca loves the skates. I know it probably wasn’t your ideal gift, but he’s always out here zipping around.”
“Hmph. Well…that’s nice to know.”
To be continued…
