One word has been floating around my world lately more than ever, and that is intimacy. I hopped on a train of thought during my Harvestfest jog, but quickly hopped off when I realized how long that journey would be if I remained on board. That is a good place to begin this entry. I said I never cared much about intimacy before, but I need more of it now. My relationship with Ali whet my appetite for it. Even though I left out my history with Dwayne, I felt closer to Ali after the conversation about our past relationships. I enjoyed that feeling of closeness a lot. I’d never had that before—at least not at that level. It was never a requirement for me. I had many friends. No one has the time or energy to get deep with all those people. As long as we vibed and could have a good time, that was enough for me. And frankly, it seemed many others in my life had the same philosophy. None of my friends appeared to be any closer to each other than they were to me. Even my parents weren’t as close as they appeared, I later learned. But, looking back, I think I can see that now. What I remember most is them not being able to keep their hands off each other. Sure, I’d see them talking now and then, but they had little in common, and it was obvious what kind of intimacy they preferred.
Maybe this is why my friendship with Dwayne had always been so special. He knew me better than anyone, and I never had to censor myself around him. Our friendship had always been intimate. Not anything terribly deep, but deeper than others.
I’m not sure I’ve ever admitted this before, but whenever I’m around him, I feel something. Like, a sensation. When we were teenagers, it was weak, and I didn’t know what it was, so I ignored it. Besides, I was too occupied trying to get Devonte to like me and being jealous of Diamond, wishing Laurant would ask me out. Over time, however, as Dwayne and I got closer, that sensation got stronger. And after we hooked up in the jungle, it was undeniable. But Mommy suggested I get out of my comfort zone and meet new people because there was too much drama inside my bubble, and I was suffocating in there. Even though Dwayne was unrelated to the drama, he was very familiar to me, and I had committed to branching out into unfamiliar territory. That’s when I met Ali.
He was intelligent, mature, and oh so gorgeous. I got butterflies every time he was near. Ali expanded my world in ways I had not considered. I always learned something new when we were together. He added to my life, and I loved that there was no drama. He was exactly the type of man I needed to grow. Though my feelings for him grew stronger by the second, that undeniable feeling related to Dwayne never went away. Honestly, it felt like a war inside me. That night, at Dwayne’s, I finally chose a side. I was vulnerable and not myself, which made it hard to deny that feeling. I tried so hard to resist. Oh, did I try! My head and my heart were not aligned that night, and despite what I knew I should do, my heart longed for something. Someone. And Dwayne wasn’t just anyone. He’s the one my heart yearned for all along.
Oh my Watcher!!
Ali was right. I do love Dwayne. Oh Watcher, what have I done to this man? He was so good to me, and I made him feel like trash. No wonder he thought it was his fault at first. Honestly, sometimes I think he still does. He already felt useless because of the money, and then I go to another man? Ugh, he must have felt like Dwayne gave me something he couldn’t. That wasn’t the case at all. I just wanted them both.
As awful as I felt about ruining Ali’s life, I also felt…relieved? I’ve been hiding this deep within myself for so long, I got used to the weight. Being free feels amazing. But…what am I supposed to do with this revelation? Run off into the sunset with Dwayne? I’m divorced, so I could do that now, if I wanted to. But do I want to? What is it I want from him? I think I need to sit with this for a while.
