Tuesday night came quickly. As excited as I was to have my children back, seeing Ali did not spark joy. Knowing what I know now… I just can’t. Not yet, at least. Luckily, I didn’t have to. He didn’t come inside, and I was too busy running around the kitchen to greet them, anyway. I thought it would be a nice gesture to make something fresh and special to celebrate our victory, but I rescheduled my weekly therapy session to occur shortly after arriving home from work, so I couldn’t dine with my babies. I’d canceled before and didn’t want to do it again, so I kissed the kids, told them I was thrilled they were there, and that I had a very important phone call and not to disturb me unless it was an emergency.
Minutes into the conversation, I wished I would have canceled again. All those weeks, I’d done a lot of talking. The therapist lady would chime in now and then, but she mostly listened and took notes. I was curious to know what was her assessment of me and if she felt we needed to continue meeting. Her answer, three simple words, tinted my vision with red hues: you are selfish.
I’d heard that many times in various forms. “Are you that selfish?” “Stop being selfish!” “Am I selfish?” But no one had ever flat said you ARE selfish. I asked for that, so I shouldn’t have been angry. But you know that didn’t stop my temperature from rising.
I kept it cool, though. “Oh yeah? How did you conclude that?”
My blood boiled as she rattled off offenses my like charges at my trial. First, I disregarded my mother’s decision to not get a dog and wore her down simply because I knew I could. Then, I kept my girlfriends at a distance, despite knowing they wanted to be closer to me. I persuaded Ali to marry me, disregarded his reservations, and forced Mommy to go along with it. This one may not have been intentional, but she thought it was selfish that I let Mommy do all the heavy lifting with the kids when they were babies. Cheating is always selfish, but the way I tried to hide it was even more selfish. Leaving my toddlers in the house alone was selfish. Telling people about the affair without considering Dwayne was selfish. She stopped there, but my brain filled in the silence with my most recent offenses. My skin was so hot. I’d never been so angry in all my life! Being called out like that was so humiliating! I hung up the phone and told her we wouldn’t speak again.
I wanted to scream and curse her name, I couldn’t. She only confirmed what I suspected and what people had said all along. Everything in me tried to find cause to deny it, but there was none. Honestly? It made everything clear, like blue skies. My wellbeing and agenda are always top of mind. That’s not to say I don’t care about anyone else, but I suppose I care about my own interests the most. According to the therapy lady, I’ve been getting my way and doing what serves me my entire life. Feelings aside, that had to be the reason I cheated on the most wonderful man in the world. Nothing else made sense.
As if I didn’t have enough to process this week, Luca knocked on my door and said some man was here to see me. Who in the world wanted me at that hour? It wasn’t terribly late, but all my friends with children usually visited before dinner unless we planned something for later. And what man?? I didn’t have anymore male friends on good terms. After taking a few moments to calm myself, I went downstairs. Before answering the door, I peeked outside to see who had requested my attention. It was him, and I froze.
Why?? I was still processing yesterday’s revelation and not in any condition to entertain his shenanigans! I knew I couldn’t hide from him forever, but I wanted to face him on my terms! Why do my friends do this to me? They always… There I go, thinking of myself again. I halfway wished I never knew about this selfishness. The good thing about me and Dwayne was we were always open and honest. I could tell him I wasn’t ready to talk, and he’d go away, no questions asked. But I suppose there’s no harm in seeing what he wanted. Here goes nothing.
