My legs were heavy like metal as I walked toward him like a bot. That undeniable feeling was there too, though not as strong. I suppose its strength grew in tandem with my denial, begging for me to acknowledge it. Now that I have, I can breathe. Well…kinda. I need to make it through this conversation first.
“Hey.” That’s all I could muster the courage to say.
“Hey.” He stood there, staring and making me feel all kinds of weird, before whipping out a gift box. “Ok, look… I know me showing up here is weird and random, so I’ll make this quick and get out of your way. There’s nothing I can give you that will fix things between us, and even this gift is kinda stupid. But I wanted you to have more than just my words.”
My heart pounded in anticipation of the gift and what he had prepared to say. My brain tried to come up with potential scenarios, but I didn’t know what I would have wanted him to say.
“I’ve been thinking about our last conversation,” he began. “My mom always said it takes two to tango, and…well, she’s right. I can’t put it all on you and wash my hands like I’m innocent. I’m sorry for my role in messing up your marriage.”
My eyes got so big I thought they’d pop out of their socket. Now I understand why I woke up with an insatiable urge to figure out my feelings because if he would have apologized weeks ago or even days ago, I’m not sure I would have accepted. I would have absolved him and continued to carry the weight of shame on my own. Someone out there is looking out for me.
“I said you started it, but I could have stopped it. I should have stopped it. I should have woken you up the first time Ali called. Plum, I should have woken you up the first time I heard you snore.”
I smirked and rolled my eyes.
“I should have done so many things different. You’re my best friend, and I didn’t have your back. I was selfish and didn’t consider what was at stake. Maybe if I would have been honest with you long time ago, this wouldn’t have happened.”
He’s right. I was losing friends like socks in the dryer back in those days because of that. And even though I valued our friendship, I would have done my best to walk away from him if he would have told me his true feelings. None of this would have happened, and I’d still be married. But I wouldn’t have Dwayne in my life. I’m not honestly sure which scenario is worse.
“Anyway, I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me. Until then, I want you to have this.”
It was a pack of flower seeds. How symbolic! We can start over and sprout a brand new friendship, however that may look. Or, if friendship isn’t smart, we can start new lives on blank slates.
“Thanks, Dwayne. I appreciate this. And I do forgive you… I thought you hated me, so I didn’t expect to see you again.”
“Nah, I was mad. But I didn’t hate you.”
“That’s good to know.”
If he had expectations, he would have stated them already, so it’s safe to assume he wasn’t looking for anything. Still, I needed him to understand where I was.
“Dwayne… I’m… I have a lot going on right now. I’m glad we’re still friends, but… My kids are here now, and I’ve just made a few big personal discoveries… I just need a minute to process everything, and I don’t know what I want our friendship to look like yet. I hope that’s ok.”
“Of course. I had no illusions of things going back to how they were. All I wanted was to make a genuine apology. Everything else is totally up to you. I follow your lead, remember?” He winked.
I smiled wider than I wanted to. He always leaves the door open. Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but it made me feel warm.
“I appreciate that,” I said.
“Can I say something personal?”
Oh Watcher, please don’t let this man ruffle my feathers tonight! I can’t handle it right now!
“You look great. I’ve seen you out here jogging, doing your thing. And I love the hair. That color is illegal in Willow Creek, though.”
I laughed harder than I had in weeks. My friend, Dwayne, is back, folks! I’m so glad I haven’t lost him.
We said goodnight and went our separate ways. It was nearing bedtime, and Luca and Alessia were way too chatty to complete their homework by a decent hour, so I broke up their party and helped Alessia with hers.
Luca joined me for dinner while he worked. “Mama, who was that man outside?”
I really hope he missed the flash of panic in my eyes. I chewed my food extra slow as I thought up a decent response that was not a lie. “He’s…our neighbor from across the street.”
“Oh, ok,” he said and went back to his homework.
I’m very surprised they haven’t asked the question yet. Ali and I separated so long ago, and they were so young then. Maybe us not being together just became part of normal life and they stopped questioning it. But I know they’re curious. I can see it in their eyes, and I can’t hide it from them forever. It’s time they know the truth about me.
