I lied. Previously, I said facing Ali after sleeping with Dwayne was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Breaking his heart was a tough pill to swallow, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that. Even though the guilt still eats away at me, I’m living through it. Thriving, even. It doesn’t disrupt my life. But if I ever hurt my children like that, I don’t know if I could handle it. That was what I risked today. Confessing my sins to them is now the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I got up slightly later than normal because fear trapped me under the covers. But I couldn’t remain there. I needed to catch my children before it was too late, so I took another day off, went downstairs, and invited them to do the same. They were eating breakfast, and I stood to the side and drank in the peaceful moment before the storm.
“Hey, Mama,” Luca said, letting me know I couldn’t lurk in the shadows anymore.
“Morning, Mommy,” Alessia sang.
“Good morning, my sweets. Hey…how would you guys like to take a day off from school?”
Alessia’s jaw almost fell on her plate. “Are you for real??”
The way she always thinks we’re joking is comical.
“Yeah,” Luca chimed in, “Dad never lets us stay home.”
Ugh. Ali’s words from Sunday night echoed in my head. “You said it’s not a competition, but it is!” How I never recognized that before, especially after being a pro at playing my parents against each other, I didn’t know. But at least, in this situation, Ali and I agree. I called him last night and said I wanted to tell the kids why we got divorced and to know if he was ok with that. I made that mistake once and will never make it again. Besides, the kids may have follow-up questions for him, and I didn’t want him to be blindsided this weekend. Naturally, there was a long pause on the other end. He asked if I was sure I could handle their reactions. I didn’t know, honestly. But skirting their questions and coming up with half truths to satisfy them made me uncomfortable, and I couldn’t continue hiding from them. He agreed it might be time for that and gave me his blessing.
“And he shouldn’t,” I said. “But you both have worked hard to get your grades up, so I don’t think one day will hurt. Besides, I want to talk to you about something, and I think you may need some time to process everything.”
Alessia shrugged and immediately logged onto her student portal to take a vacation day. “Whatever you say, Mom! I’m always down to ditch school.”
I shook my head at her. “Luca, would you mind if we hung out in your room?”
I wanted us to be as comfortable as possible for this meeting, but the living room felt too formal. His room was big and had plenty of places for us to sit.
“Yeah, sure. That’s fine,” he said.
“Cool. How about I meet you guys there when you’re finished?”
“Okay,” they said.
I left them and went to his room for a moment alone to gather myself. My entire body shook, and I wanted to cry! What if they can’t get past what I did? What if they hate me and want to go back to Ali? What will Luca think of me now? I know both my children hold me in high regard, but Luca especially does. And he’s so sweet! Devastating news like this has the potential to change him. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened. Why is this my life??
After a few minutes, the kids joined me and sat on the sofa. That was my cue to kick off our discussion, but I was too afraid. They waited expectantly for me to say something, but the words disappeared from my head. Pressure built up behind my eyes, trying to force tears to breach my eyelids, but I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t fall apart before I even got started.
“You okay, Mama?” Luca asked.
“Yeah. Sorry. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.”
To be continued…
