If I can be 100% truthful…no cap, as I hear my kids say… My fear did not stem completely from the prospect of hurting my children. It related most to ruining how they saw me. I don’t want to fall off the pedestal. True, I fell a long time ago before they even realized it, but still.
I had already alarmed my children with my sudden distressed state, so I needed to blurt something before they really got concerned. “Okay… So, I thought we’d have a little family meeting.” Maybe if I started generically, I could get more specific once my nerves calmed down. “You live here now, so I thought I’d set some expectations.”
They nodded slowly.
“I want our house to be an open and safe space for us. A judgement-free zone. You can talk to me about anything, and I promise I won’t freak out, okay?”
They nodded again with a bit more hesitation.
“Let’s promise not to keep secrets from each other and commit to always talk through things respectfully and really listen.”
Yeah, okay, that was more for them at this moment, but I really do want that for us. “Speaking of secrets, I’d like to start that right now.”
My nerves had not improved, but I couldn’t back off now. Could they see me shaking? The kids looked extra suspicious by that point and were probably on the edge of their seats.
“Luca, when you were little, you asked why I couldn’t live with you at Daddy’s house. I gave you an answer you’d be able to understand at the time. I also promised to tell you everything when you were older. It’s time to make good on that promise. I know you still have questions, so I thought I’d make space for you to get the answers you need.”
They looked at each other as if not to believe I gave them such power.
“We can ask anything?” Alessia asked mischievously.
I chuckled nervously. “Yes, baby. Anything.”
“Do you have a boyfriend?” she asked quicker than I expected. Her swiftness almost blew me back.
“Ummm…no? No, I don’t.”
“So,” Luca began hesitantly, “what did you do?”
As I tried out the best wording in my head, I took a long, deep breath. I cheated on your dad. I had an affair. I had feelings for another man. It’s not selfish to want to put yourself in the best light, right? It’s just sim nature. Self-preservation!
“Okay… I’m gonna start this by saying I loved your dad. I still do. Nothing I did was because of him. He’s amazing. I was just…selfish. And I, uhhh… I was not faithful to him.”
“I know. I’m not proud of that at all. I was in a bad place then, and…well, I had feelings for someone else for a long time. My mom had just died, and that devastated me. I was vulnerable and looking for comfort. Instead of seeking out your dad, I went to my friend. He knew my mom, so I went there to tell him. But things happened, and here we are.”
To be continued…
