I didn’t want to hear the rest of their conversation. If we were characters on a TV show, I’d close the door and eavesdrop from the other side. But this is real life, and I trusted my children would tell me how they felt when they were ready. Until then, I had a party sized bag of nervous energy to spend. The idea of being out of sync with my children sent my anxiety off the charts, so I went for a jog. I’m glad there was no yelling and slamming doors, but this was only the beginning. They seemed reasonably okay, but how would they feel in the future? What if a big blowout was inevitable and had always been marked on the Watcher’s calendar? Have I always been doomed to be estranged from my children?
After my jog, I showered and worked in my garden. I’d always neglected it when the kids came on the weekends. But now they lived here, and I hadn’t found a good rhythm yet. I neglected so many things in favor of family time on their visits, but now I’ve got to find balance. They’ll be with Ali on the weekends now. Pushing everything until the end of the week was not what I was trying to do because weekends should be fun and relaxing, and I didn’t want them filled with chores.
When I came back inside, Luca startled me. He was in the kitchen, just standing there, still in his pajamas. My poor boy. I put such a heavy burden on him. It was hard enough for him to live in a broken home; he was so upset the night he found out we were separating. Was he reliving that pain? I wanted to hug him, but that probably wasn’t smart.
“Hey, bud,” I said hesitantly. “How are you doing?”
He shrugged.
“You feel like talking? Just you and me?”
He shrugged again. “I guess,” he said sheepishly.
I put on a brave smile. “Okay. Let’s talk.”
We went back to his room and sat on the sofa. I hid my fear behind a soft grin as I waited for him to speak.
“What’s bothering you?” I asked.
It took him a while to say something, but at last he said, “I just can’t believe you would do that.”
And just like that, I understood. He and I had the same problem. Neither of us wanted me to fall off the pedestal he put me on. I doubted I could make him feel better, but maybe I could enlighten him about sim nature so he understands what we risk when we elevate people like that.
“I know,” I said. “I’m not perfect, Luca. No one is. But I understand how easy it is to think your parents are. When we’re young, they do everything for us until we’re old enough to take care of ourselves. They’re our first teachers, and everything they do is…magical. My parents were like giants to me. My daddy was my favorite person, and I knew I was his. We loved dancing together. He would always have a snack waiting for me when I got home and helped me with my work. I never questioned his love for me. But when I was older, long after he died, I asked my mom about their relationship. She told me their entire story, and it turned out my daddy didn’t want me at first.”
Luca’s eyes narrowed so fast they could have sliced me in half. “What? How does someone not want their own child?”
“Well… He had some issues with his own father he hadn’t worked out yet. And they got pregnant with me unexpectedly pretty early in their relationship. He didn’t want kids.”
“But…so how did he change?”
“Luckily, after some time, he realized what he risked if he left my mom with a baby and accepted me right before I was born. But it took him a while to connect with me, though. I was a toddler by the time he showed an interest in raising me.”
“Wow. That’s kinda messed up.”
“Yeah. It was. Learning that about him threw me. Like, I just couldn’t believe this man I’d idolized my whole life struggled to love me. It didn’t make sense, and I felt weird about it. I told you this because… I’m not trying to absolve myself or even make myself look better. It’s just to illustrate how imperfect we all are. Me, your dad, your teachers…everyone you respect is fallible. Even you, though I think you are perfect in every way.”
He blushed. “Whatever.”
I grinned. “You are! But even though I think that, I know you’re not actually perfect. That’s why earlier I said you could tell me anything and I won’t freak out. But…yeah… I’m your mom, but I’m also just a sim. I messed up big time. And I’ll mess up again, but NOT like that!
He snorted.
“Does that make you feel better or worse?”
“Neutral, I guess.”
“Okay. Like I said, you can still be mad. I’ll understand.”
“I’m not mad, Mama. You and Dad have been separated our whole lives. After a while, I stopped asking about it because it is what it is. I was just surprised. I mean, you and Dad have always been so nice around each other. It was like we were still a family. That made it easy to stop thinking about it. Every now and then I’d try to figure out why you divorced, but I never imagined…that.“
“I get it,” I said, regretfully. “No one saw that coming. Not even me.”
“I think I’m gonna take a nap,” he said.
“Okay, bud. I love you.”
Just as he landed on the bed, Alessia barged in to do her homework. I’ve got to talk to her about knocking.
