Alessia came in, muttered a lackluster, “Hey, Mommy,” sat at Luca’s desk, and began her homework.
I got up to speak with her. “You really should knock before entering other people’s rooms. A closed door means privacy.”
“Sorry,” she said. “I knew what you were talking about, anyway.”
“Okay, but it’s a respect thing. You understand?”
“Yeah.”
She went on working with an expression I couldn’t make out, either sad, stressed, or maybe both. Was it because of me? She seemed fine earlier. Or did she put on in front of Luca?
“Hey, Less? I meant it when I said you could tell me if you’re upset about what I told you. I can take it.”
I probably should have insisted we also spoke privately. Hindsight is a nasty llama.
She looked up from her homework with the same mixed expression, and I feared things were about to get really loud. I deserved whatever she’d throw at me, of course. But I didn’t want her to wake Luca. My children weren’t nappers, so whatever the reason for his fatigue, he must have really needed the sleep.
“You always talk to Luca,” she said in hushed tones, thankfully.
My head cocked to the side. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Like…always?”
Oh dear. I hoped I hadn’t done what I thought she was accusing me of. “Always? Like, how?”
“Like just now. And, like, at dinner you always talk to him. And all the time.”
Did I really have a favorite child?? Is that what she tried to say? “So…are you saying you feel left out sometimes?”
“You like him better than me.”
“Of course I don’t,” I shouted, covering mouth after realizing I was too loud. I looked back at Luca, who was still asleep. “That’s ridiculous,” I whispered.
Somewhere along the way, things got lost in translation. At least, that was what I had hoped happened. I really hope I hadn’t shown more favor to Luca. He just gave me more opportunities to converse, right? It wasn’t like I always sought him out. At least I hoped not. He’s the oldest. Everything with him was always new. It’s as if he led me through the darkness of this parenting journey as he found his place in the world. I had to make sure neither of us stumbled, right?
“I think maybe he and I just have more things to talk about,” I said. “Hey! We should have our own thing! Something only you and I talk about. Would you like that?”
She peered at me for a moment, seriously contemplating my words. “Yeah. I guess that would be cool.”
“Okay, cool! What do you think our thing should be?”
She shrugged. “Don’t know yet. I’ll think of something.”
“Alright. Don’t forget! I’m serious about this. I love you just as much as I love Luca, and I’m sorry I made you feel otherwise.”
She nodded.
I wish I knew what went on in her head. Despite what came out of her mouth, I felt like I had failed some parenting test.
“So…about what Luca and I were discussing… Do you want to talk about it?”
“Nope. It doesn’t bother me like it bothers him.”
“Are you sure? Not saying you have to be bothered, but I’m just making sure. Your feelings matter to me.”
“I’m sure.”
“Okay. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
“Thanks. Can you help me with this?”
“Absolutely.”
She didn’t need my help and did most of the work on her own. I think she just wanted me to stick around. Instead of standing idle, I broke out into a dance and One-Two Stepped some good vibes her way. I had to get better at showing her love in a way that was meaningful to her.
