“What’s going on?” he asked.
My heart pounded, and my mouth dried up. I couldn’t choke now. This was my one chance to set things right. I couldn’t take back what I did or even fix things between us, but I could give him closure. He deserved that and more.
“I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately and have learned so much about myself. I’m finally at a place where I can offer you a genuine apology.”
I think I knocked the wind out of his sails. He sat there, frozen, with a wide-eyed expression plastered on his face. I guess he wasn’t expecting that.
“You were right. About me…all of it,” I said.
His left eyebrow raised ever so slightly.
My next words almost got caught in my throat, but I forced them out.
“I do love Dwayne.”
“I’m sorry, Ali.”
His head dropped into his chest with the heaviest sigh.
“Well… At least you know now, I guess,” he said.
I panicked because I knew he was about to shut down the conversation and I was nowhere near finished. Hopefully, he didn’t think that was my version of a genuine apology.
“I told you back then I didn’t do it because of you, and that’s still true. You were and still are everything I wanted. I know you won’t believe me, but that is the Watcher’s honest truth. I didn’t go over there to sleep with him. Before that night, I never desired to sleep with him again. Admittedly, I’ve thought back to the times we were together, but not in a way where I wished it would happen again.”
“I went over there to tell him about Mommy,” I continued. “I will admit I desperately needed comfort, and I should have come home to you. I thought I’d just go over there, tell him, chat for a bit, and come home. But I was just so comfortable with him. He’s my best friend and knew what I needed, so I let him comfort me. I mistakingly thought he was making a pass at me, and I… I was so distraught, and I just wanted the pain to go away. The urge to kiss him was too strong. I knew it was wrong and things would never be the same. I knew if you found out, it would destroy you. Despite my love for you and the kids, I was selfish. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to choose us.”
“I’ve been selfish throughout our entire relationship, and I apologize for that, too. We didn’t really date, and you expressed concerns about getting married so fast. My therapist showed me how I’ve been getting my way my entire life, and that’s what I did with you. I wanted to get married and have babies with you immediately because I wanted to be a young mom, and my birthday was coming way too soon. I wasn’t mature enough to realize how much we didn’t know about each other and conversations we needed to have. All that mattered to me was what I wanted. I’ll never regret our life together, but I’m sorry to entangle you in my mess.”
“Until last week, I always thought I’d run back to you immediately if you ever gave me another chance. But I couldn’t do that now. Not with what I know about myself. You deserve someone 10,000 times better than me. Someone just as wonderful and selfless as you are, and I genuinely hope you find her and that I haven’t completely colored your views on love.”
I couldn’t read his expression at all. Was he shocked I said all that? Upset it took me so long to see it? Proud I finally saw it? Sad because he wanted to explore getting back together?? I wished he’d say something!
“Do you want to ask me something?” I asked.
“How long have you been in love with him?”
“Always. But I didn’t realize it until now. At least I hadn’t been able to admit it until now. I think I knew, deep down, long before I met you, but I was afraid to admit it. I told you there was a lot of drama in my friend group. We were all dating and breaking up with each other, and Mommy said I needed to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. So, in my mind, Dwayne was off limits. We had our fun, but I didn’t let it go any further than that. But I guess we shouldn’t have done that either, because it’s been in my head this whole time, consciously and subconsciously. Regardless…I’m sorry. Truly. I wish I could be different. I would fix it.”
“So you’re seeing him then?”
I guess we were even for catching each other off guard. He turned away from me, already knowing the answer before I gave it.
“We’ve been in contact, yes, but that’s it. There’s nothing going on.”
His eyebrows flicked up as if he didn’t believe me.
“Right,” he said dismissively. “Was there anything else you wanted to say? I need to get ready for bed.”
And there it was. That offense I didn’t want to make. Why did all our conversations end that way?
“No,” I said in defeat. “That was everything.”
“Okay. Thanks for the clarity. I understand a lot better now.”
His tone was so gruff, I wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic or if he really appreciated the conversation. I suppose, in time, I’d know.
