Once dressed, I thought about where to go. The clubs would be crowded, and as much as I loved getting out there and busting a move, I wanted a quieter evening. Ugh, maybe I was getting old. I decided on a place I hadn’t been in ages. The bar where I had my young adult birthday had a lounge vibe, so I texted Dwayne and told him to meet there. We could pre-game, watch the countdown, and go somewhere else to dance the night away.
Dwayne and I spent the night laughing and chatting it up. He was the constant in my life. My stalwart friend. I could always count on him, no matter what took place in my life. No wonder I risked everything for him. I probably should’ve felt bad for thinking that, but I didn’t.
Later, I spotted a blast from the past: my first blind date. He remembered me. As we caught up, I realized asking about his life was a mistake. It was natural to inquire about his marital and familial status. (married, no kids) It was also natural for him to return the same questions. But when I turned to Dwayne to introduce him, I got stuck.
“This is Dwayne, my… My uhhhh…my date.”
Luckily, he excused himself to find his wife. As I turned back to Dwayne, I dreaded finding him offended by my hesitation. What if he expected another title? One could say we’ve been dating casually, but we weren’t in a relationship officially. But, as always, I worried for nothing and found him unphased and laughing at me.
“Who was that egghead?”
I appreciated his levity so much! Back in the day, Dwayne knew I had given up on Laurant, but I never told him about the conversation with Mommy about getting out of my comfort zone. So I told him about my blind date adventures with the SimDa dating app.
We were three or four drinks into the night, and Dwayne needed to pee just before the countdown started.
“You’re gonna miss it,” I said.
“Ki, I gotta go! You not gonna have my bladder failing in front of all these people!”
“Fine! But hurry!”
He penguin walked to the bathroom, and the other patrons gathered around the small television behind the bar. New Year’s Eve was one of my favorite holidays. I loved the symbolism. It was like an annual do over. Whatever occurred in our lives over the past 112 days, we could let it go and start fresh at the stroke of 12, like magic!
The clock struck twelve, and everyone cheered. Everyone except me, that is. At 11:59, I looked around and realized I would bring in the new year with strangers. I should have been with friends and family—people I loved!
I did have someone I loved, and I wasn’t really alone. But standing there with strangers, celebrating a special moment, made me see how much I wanted someone to celebrate all the moments with and how dumb it was to have that person and not allow myself to be with him. But honestly? It had nothing to do with loving Dwayne and everything to do with holding onto Ali. I felt indebted to him. Accepting Dwayne might sting, and I’ll hate doing that to him again. But the facts were that was something he’d need to deal with, not me.
Dwayne came out of the bathroom and asked if we were staying there or going some place else. I suggested we walk down the street to Solar Flare, and I used that time to muster the courage I needed to confess.
A performance was in progress, so we slipped into the back row and listened. My stomach rolled as I thought of what to say. I never had trouble telling a guy how I felt before. And this was Dwayne. It’s not like I’d tell him anything he didn’t already know. But this was more than simply telling him how I felt. I was about to give him my heart, and it terrified me.
I cleared my throat. “Dwayne?”
“What’s up?”
“I gotta tell you something.”
He smirked. “Obviously.”
I swallowed a huge lump. My breaths increased with each passing second. Ever since Dwayne showed up at my house that night, I’d been anxious a lot. But even my worst freak out didn’t compare to how afraid and unstable I felt at that moment.
“I just want to say… What I mean is… Umm… I love you.”
He remained cool, like always, but I saw that little blip of surprise in his eyes.
“I love you too, Ki.”
Saying those words wasn’t the hard part, though. I’ve felt that sentiment for a while. My next thoughts were the challenge.
“I don’t want to keep running from you.”
He nodded. “What about your kids?”
“I’ll figure it out.”
“What about Ali?”
“He doesn’t have to know!”
He sighed. “KiKi… You know he’s gonna find out.”
I sighed too. “I know. But Dwayne, I can’t continue living my life in a way that makes him comfortable! What’s done is done.”
He gave me a concerned glare. “Are you sure? Because once we’re in this, I’m not letting you go.”
“I’m sure. I’m letting him go. My heart belongs to you now.”
“Well…okay then.”
