With two days to spare, spring finally hit. I almost wanted to be mad at the warmth for being so late, but I welcomed it with open arms. Luca worked on homework in the kitchen while I ate. It occurred to me he never gave me an answer about his father joining us on vacation, so I asked him. Just as I suspected, Ali wasn’t able to make it. Luca was really bummed about it, and it pained me seeing him like that. I hated wishing for Ali to be the bad guy and almost wanted to call him myself and convince him to come just to see a smile on my buddy’s face. Even though I’m not the one who let him down, I still felt responsible.
“I know you’re upset, but it’ll still be fun. You and Ali can do something cool together when we get back.”
“But it’s my birthday. All I wanted was for us to be together one last time. I hate this!”
My chest ached as cracks spread, threatening to fracture my heart. All I ever wanted to do was give my children the world. But because of my sins, my child is sad. I knew the days of celebrating everything together would end, but living through it is harder than I expected.
“I know. I’m sorry, bud. Life is like that sometimes. We don’t always get what we want. Can I give you some advice, though?”
He nodded.
“I’m sure you and Ali already talked, but I want to give it to you from my perspective because I don’t want you and Alessia going through this.”
The pressure separated the cracks even more and sent a surge of tears to breach my eyes, but I fought back. This wasn’t the time to break down.
“I really hate how me and your father’s problems affect you guys, so you listen to me, okay??”
He looked at me wide-eyed, as if he were in trouble. I didn’t realize my voice had escalated.
“I’m sorry. I promise I’m not mad or yelling at you. I just don’t want you to end up like us. You’re gonna be a man soon. You’ll start meeting ladies and dating. If you’re serious about getting married one day, I want you to take this time seriously. Have fun too, but think about what you want for your life and find someone who fits. Don’t settle until you find her. Ask yourself the hard questions, and answer honestly. Make sure she is the one person you can’t live without. One and done, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And be honest about how you feel because strong attractions and love can feel the same in the beginning. Don’t rush it. Take your time and figure out what it all means.”
“Mama?”
“Yes, Luca…”
He opened and closed his mouth a few times as if to weigh his words.
“Do you… Nevermind.”
“You can ask me. I’ll always tell you the truth, remember?”
“Okay,” he said, hesitantly. “Do you regret marrying Dad?”
“No,” I said without missing a beat. “I cared for him a great deal. I still do. But I realized I wasn’t truthful with myself and there was someone else I also cared about. I will always cherish the time I spent with your father. It wasn’t a mistake. I did exactly what I’m telling you not to do. I rushed dating. We didn’t talk about things. I wanted to have kids, and that was all I cared about then. I did so many things wrong even before I cheated.”
What is it like for him to listen to his mother tell him these things? After I’m done with my speeches, I always feel like such a dunce for saying all that. What mom tells her kids about her business like that? But at the same time, I’m serious about them not repeating my mistakes. I have the experience, so why not share it? If only there were a manual on how to handle these situations.
