Billie hung out with me for the rest of the afternoon, which was nice. I enjoyed having adult, non-judgmental company. Too bad I couldn’t escape the judgment going on inside my own head. Realizing I would have to tell everyone what I did to my family was a big pill to swallow. And Mommy! Though I wish she were still here, I am relieved she has escaped this. Heh, more like I am relieved to escape the disappointment in her eyes. My emotions were at a rolling boil, waiting to bubble over and destroy me. But I had to keep it together. I didn’t want Billie to suspect anything more was the matter, but Ali ruined that for me. He came in loudly, stomping his feet and slamming doors, but apologized when he saw her sitting with me. I knew she had questions, but I couldn’t make eye contact with either of them. Her gaze burned a hole in the side of my head, trying to permeate my skull to see what went on in my brain.
After a moment, however, she dismissed herself. If anyone could understand my plight, it’s her. But I’m not ready. And now was definitely not the time. I’ll make sure she is the first one I tell when I’m ready to talk.
Ali sat next to me and calmed himself as much as he could. He apologized to me as well and hoped the kids weren’t napping; they weren’t, thank the Watcher.
“I’m ready to talk now,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about us all day, trying to figure things out and… I just need to understand. I can’t make a decision until I understand what happened.”
When I told him it wasn’t a good time, he lost it. He went on and on about how selfish I am, saying I don’t get to destroy our family and decide when we can and cannot discuss it. I’m sorry, but how am I selfish for being aware of my own mental health? Yes, I messed up! But I’m still grieving for my mother! And even though I am the bad guy here, I’m still entitled to my own feelings! I feel terrible about what happened! It’s eating me up inside, watching Ali go through so much turmoil! I get to be sad too! Besides, it’s dinner time. How did he expect a discussion of this magnitude would take place within the few minutes we have before sitting down together as a family? Who’s the selfish one now?
Luckily, he calmed down and said I was right and apologized again. But it didn’t feel right having him apologize to me. I don’t think I’m being selfish, but I should be grateful he’s willing to talk to me about this. He could have left already, but he’s a good sim. I told him we could talk later tonight after the kids are asleep.
