I wasn’t ready to go home yet. The Pancakes residence had always been quiet and peaceful. Maybe if I stayed there for a while I could begin to sort myself without interruption. I realize no one is expecting me to recover quickly, but I don’t enjoy feeling listless. My children needed me, and I did nothing. I can’t go on this way. I know I’ll never be the same and will be sad for a while. But at the very least, I want to function without breaking down. Dwayne will let me stay as long as I want, but I am mindful of his time. He didn’t ask for me to show up unannounced in the middle of night and dump horrible news in his lap. I would have respected his decline, but he said yes, of course.
I stretched across the couch with my head in his lap, thinking about Mommy, letting a few tears leak out. It wasn’t the long cry I wanted, but it was something. She always acted so tough—and she was—but inside she was a softy like me. I took advantage of that so many times. I spent my entire childhood trying to wear her down about getting a dog because I knew she’d do almost anything to make me happy. That sounds really bratty in retrospect, but I trusted her love so much. I tried so hard to keep this day in my head so I could be prepared, but it still broke me.
All day, I carried this heaviness. It weighed down my eyelids, and I fought as hard as I could, but eventually I gave up. Two hours later, Dwayne woke me. I jolted from his lap, feeling dazed and disoriented, like when the babies scream at 3 a.m. He said Ali had been blowing up my phone. I had 11 unread texts and two missed calls. I was so confused and groggy, I barely remembered what I was doing at the Pancakes’ house and why Ali was so concerned. That’s when I felt it. That…malaise. The pain in my heart was still there. Right…my mother is gone.
I told Dwayne I needed to go, and he agreed. As I gathered myself, he grabbed my hand. A familiar electric current shot up my arm, and from it a warm, tingling sensation spread from the hand he held throughout my body. The grogginess and dazed feeling melted. I saw his lips move, but no sound came out. What’s happening to me?
“Ok?” he asked.
“…Huh?”
“I said, I’m here for you. Anything you need. Just let me know.”
Anything I need…
I thought I said that in my head, but his eyes narrowed and he moved really close to my face. “Anything...”
My heart raced at that word. That wasn’t exactly the response I expected, but honestly, it felt better than the numbness. I don’t know if he leaned even closer, or I did, but we sat there with our noses pressed together and arms wrapped around each other.
Comfort. That’s what I felt. It’s what I needed, and I didn’t care where it came from and leaned in closer. My lips hovered above his mouth, waiting for orders from my non-existent brain. This was wrong. Very, very wrong. I knew that despite the numbness and confusion. But it felt so good being in his arms again. How could I miss something I barely had? We were together for just a couple of days, a long time ago. And I told myself it was over when we left the jungle. We’ve been cool all this time. Why am I here struggling?
His face was way too close to mine, waiting for me to finish what he started. Even if our lips never touched, I was still in trouble. I felt like he unlocked something…something I didn’t even know it was there, hiding in the shadows of this secret we kept. The ball was in my court, and he waited for me to pass or play.
Pass. That’s what I kept telling myself. Ali doesn’t deserve this. My children definitely don’t. I love my family. I am committed to them!
This thing that unlocked… I know what it is now. We played ourselves. Our entire lives, we’ve been saying we didn’t have feelings for each other and a relationship would never work. We said those things so much; we believed they were true. Or maybe we thought if we said it enough it would become truth. Fools! I can’t deny this now. The hard, ugly facts lay between our hungry lips.
Pass!
I should go. But how do I go home like this?? I only just learned about these feelings. Am I supposed to just ignore them now? Ignoring them is what led us here, hovering mere millimeters away from a big mistake.
PASS!!
We’ve kept this secret this long without anyone finding out. Well, except Mommy, since she’s a freakin’ detective. What’s one more secret? I won’t let things go too far. It’s just one kiss…
