Laurant has been blowing up my phone. All week, he sent little friendly messages like “how are you,” “hope you’re having a good day,” “tell Shiloh I said hello.” I ignored them. I thought we agreed to let things ride for a while. But the messages got increasingly specific until he finally said, “I miss you. How long are we going to do this?” (sigh) I can’t go on ignoring him. Ugh! I’m not ready for this conversation. The plan was to talk to him when I decided I would definitely walk away or if he was truly the love of my life. Ali has my full attention right now, but I don’t really have him. And my growing feelings for him haven’t canceled my feelings for Laurant, unfortunately. It’s a process, and it’s too early in said process for me to confront Laurant. For a second, I wanted to call Mommy and ask what to do. But I’m grown. I can handle this. I need to handle this. Ghosting never solves anything. At least not long-term.
A conversation needed to happen, but there was no way it would happen at my house. Like I said; it’s early. My thoughts and feelings are still very much confused. I’ve been bold and spontaneous lately, and frankly, I don’t trust myself around Laurant right now. So I suggested dinner at a pizza joint in Magnolia Promenade.
This situation pisses me off because he’s too late. I know I avoided acknowledging my feelings back in the day and tried to stay out of the drama. But deep in my heart, if he would have pursued me then like he’s doing now and told me how he felt, I know I would have dropped everything and ran straight into his arms despite the drama. But now I’m trying to get into someone else’s arms and leave this mess behind. I don’t need him trying to drag me back! And honestly? As much as I like Ali, I’m not 100% certain Laurant couldn’t sway me.
He told me I looked nice and that he missed hanging out with me and Shiloh at the dog park. I tried to keep my responses short and neutral, but I had to tell him about the chess lady dying. I hate that he and I have memories unique to us. Despite what happens, I will always remember him because of those specific things. I can’t lie. I miss them too.
