My baby looks so much like her father now. Like, just shrink Ali into a child’s body and slap a wig on him, and that’s Alessia. It’s ok. I know she’s mine, heh. I squeezed her again and wished her a happy birthday. It felt so good to have a genuine smile and be filled with immense joy. It’s been so long since I was good.
We all sat down for cake, and the kids talked over each other to tell me things. It was loud and chaotic, but still music to my ears. Ali reminded me of the lateness of the hour, and I felt myself getting tense, inching toward offended. The part of me that protects my feelings at all costs wanted to assume he couldn’t bear my presence anymore. But I knew he simply wanted to get the kids in bed on time. I think that’s something I probably need to work on. My mind keeps trying to make him the bad guy, but he’s not my enemy. He’s not even a bad sim. And even if he were, I would deserve it. Playing the victim feels good. But I’m no victim. I’m the villain. I need to remember that.
I asked if I could put the kids to bed, and he said yes, so me and my tiny Murillos—and Shiloh—headed upstairs to say goodnight. They didn’t fight me too much or ask too many questions, thank goodness. Just if I were staying there. That was an easy no. I told them I loved them and I’d talk to them soon.
Ali was waiting for me right outside the door like a chaperone. Heh, he was probably listening through the door, making sure I didn’t say anything crazy to them. I may have done questionable things, but I would never sabotage him like that. I did a bad thing, but I’m not evil.
I asked if we could talk, and he agreed. I needed to understand fully his intentions with the kids.
“How long are you going to keep them from me?” I asked.
His eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t want me alone with them.”
He chuckled. “I think you misinterpreted what I said, Em.”
“You said you didn’t trust me. And just now! You were waiting at the door like I was going to do something to them!”
“You left our toddlers alone in the house!” He paused, leaving that accusation dangling in the air. “I know you thought they would be fine because they were glued to the tablets. But it only takes a few seconds for something to happen, Em. As soon as you left, Alessia could have put something in her mouth and choked. Or Luca could have gotten into the cabinets again and hurt himself with a big pot. I couldn’t risk that.”
I felt like all the blood drained out of me, and I was going to be sick. If any of those things happened, I would have died. “Oh Watcher! I’m so sorry, Ali! I wasn’t thinking! They were super fussy that day, and I was just so stressed from everything. I promise that was a one-off occurrence! You can trust me with them! I would never let anything happen to them. I’m not an irresponsible sim. You know that!”
He sighed, lowering his head. “I do know that. I just…I panicked, I guess. But by the time I found a place to live, it didn’t matter anymore since her birthday was around the corner. But it wasn’t just that, though. You really haven’t grieved, and you have so much you need to figure out. I thought if you didn’t have to worry about the kids, that would make it better for you. Believe me, I know how much you love our children, and I know how devastating it was when I took them. But I would never keep them from you. You’re their mother! And I can’t do this by myself. So leave them with me for a while. Take the time you need to get your head straight. Then when you’re ready, we’ll figure out an arrangement.”
I was so relieved to hear him confirm what I’d just realized. He only wanted to help.
“Today was really hard,” I said. “But I realized you were right about me needing some space. So, thank you for that. I promise I’ll take this time seriously.”
He nodded with a tiny smile.
“I also want you to know I love you. I did a terrible thing I wish I didn’t do, but I still love you.”
He sighed and rested his elbow on his knee, staring into blank space. “I got a call today. They approved my application. The papers should arrive in a few days.”
Wow. If that wasn’t a message… There lies the other half of the reason he moved out so quickly. The llama in the room: the question of me being in love with another sim. Ali is convinced. I know he still loves me too, but he can’t get past this despite my apologies and promises to do better. No amount of space, introspection, or therapy will heal that kind of hurt. I’m mad he didn’t say it back, but I’m more mad that it’s because of me.
“What if I don’t sign them?” I asked. “What if I want to try counseling first?”
He sighed again, more exasperated than before. “Why? This divorce process is expensive, Emmy. I’d rather not pay yet another person to help you figure out what we both know already, only for us to still get divorced. If you want counseling, that’s great. I think it will be good for you. But it won’t help us. Love just doesn’t go away so easily.”
I found the will to fight too late. It’s tempting to think he’s giving up on us so soon, but maybe I did too. I just accepted our fate with no contest. Why? And why can’t I say what I feel toward Dwayne? I must have some serious blind spots. Maybe I will get some counseling. It couldn’t hurt. I already destroyed my family. There’s nothing left to lose.
