My mind and body were completely numb. I’m not sure how I made it home, much less carry a child in my arms. Like, I felt Luca’s little body draped on my chest, but… It’s like I wasn’t aware I carried him. He’s too young to understand what transpired, and I didn’t have the energy or strength to explain. But he must have sensed something was wrong because he cried all the way home. That got Alessia going. They both left a trail of tears behind us. But my grief paralyzed my motherly instincts. I couldn’t do anything for them except let them scream.
Before dealing with the kids, Ali asked what I needed. The question stirred up a bit of consciousness, causing me to think rationally. In that moment, I finally understood why he and Mommy wanted to be alone when they grieved. When Daddy died, I had her to put me back together. She is the glue that holds my life together, and there isn’t much I can’t get through without her. But now she’s gone, and I don’t know how to reconcile that.
It felt selfish, but being alone with no one screaming for Mama and expecting me to take care of them sounded very appealing. So I asked if he minded if I stepped out for a walk or something. He told me not to worry about anything and take all the time I needed. Ali is the sweetest sim, and I know if I wanted, he would stay up and hold me for as long as I needed. But I think a moment to myself would do some good.
I walked around the block, not knowing what to expect and half expecting to have some epic revelation. What am I supposed to do out here? I couldn’t exactly yell and scream with so many neighbors around. So I walked around a few more times. Despite not knowing the purpose of this late night stroll, I enjoyed being away from my family. Does that make me a bad sim?
After a while, walking felt like a waste of time, despite needing the exercise. I didn’t feel any better, and what I really needed was a long cry. On my way back home, the porch light at Pancakes’ house caught my eye. Its warm glow drew me like a fly. I think Dwayne has always been my best friend, but I hesitated to give him that title because, for the longest, Laurant had it and I was reluctant to strip it from him. Dwayne knows everything there is to know about me, and it’s only right that I tell him about Mommy right away. He loved her too. Everyone did.
My sheer presence at 11:16 p.m. would have alarmed him even if nothing terrible had happened. But my sunken face relayed my message without the need for words, and he invited me in.
We sat in silence I don’t know how long. He allowed it, and I was grateful. But of course he knew what to do. He’d been in my shoes already. How could I forget that fast? Darn my numb brain!
After a while, he smiled and asked if I remembered the time I hacked into the school’s system and Mommy threatened to come up there and fight the principal. Oh, Mommy. She was such a fiery, sassy sim. I’m kinda glad I’m not a clone of her. She is inimitable—an original—and the world isn’t wide enough for two Amina Popes. I couldn’t fill her shoes if someone paid me. Thinking about how incredible she was sprouted a tiny smile, and I welcomed the brief reprieve from the numbness.
“Whenever I’m feeling sad, that’s what I do,” he said. “I just think of something funny or some embarrassing moment with them.”
Dwayne is always so even keel. It’s easy to assume he’s got a handle on his emotions. I can’t say I’ve ever seen him sad. Not even when his parents died. But he also has a lot of time alone. He must have excellent methods to deal with all that by himself. Maybe he’ll give me all his tips.
