Sleeping alone was so incredibly hard. Not because I need Ali’s body next to me to sleep well, but because his absence was a perpetual reminder of how badly I screwed up. If I slept, it was only because I passed out from exhaustion. A battle waged in my mind all night long. I longed to be near Ali and tell him how sorry I am, all the while knowing he needs and deserves space right now. If anyone can help me through this, it’s Mommy, but she’s not here and I fell deeper into despair. This endless cycle of pain spun over and over and over, and I wasn’t sure how I’d make it through the night.
If there is any hope of ever getting through this, however, it’s probably going to be through normal, everyday life, so I got up in hopes a new day would be better. I planned to make us all breakfast, but Ali was already up. He sat in the kitchen, staring into an empty plate. How long had he been there? I opened the door as quietly as I could so not to startle him, but I failed at that too. He glared at me with fire in his red, tear-stained eyes. I stood there with my mouth hung open, unable to move or speak. I wanted to say so many things to him and make all the promises. But I knew he needed time and didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. So I averted my eyes, took a deep breath, squeaked out a timid good morning, and went on with my business. Knowing I’m his least favorite sim right now, it still hurt when he walked out.
I cooked the meal quickly and ran to my garden. Ali only had an hour or so before he was due into work, so I thought it was best that I stay out of his way. I broke his heart and probably shot up his blood pressure. I can eat and deal with the kids after he leaves.
Being out of his line of sight made me less anxious, but the garden was not the escape I needed it to be. My soybean plants are fully grown and ready to harvest. I can make quite a bit of soy wax now and get our candle business started. But does Ali still want to do this with me? We’ve been so busy having babies, it hasn’t been a priority. And now… He meant for it to be a family business. I’m not sure if we’ll even be a family.
