Speaking of moving forward in a new chapter, I don’t feel right about moving on without speaking to the one I may leave behind. Especially because I think he only ruffled my feathers so I would realize it was he who I wanted all along. Maybe he thought I’d violate girl code to be with him. Maybe eventually I would have. Maybe I still will. Whatever the case, he should know what I’m doing so he’s not left waiting around for me.
I grabbed Shiloh and went to his house. She’s always a good scapegoat. Sure, I could have gone on my own, but I was a nervous wreck. I asked if he wanted to walk Shiloh with me.
He accepted the invitation, of course. Despite what he thinks of me, he still loves my company as much as I love his. We walked down his street and cut through the dog park in case she felt like playing; she didn’t. I didn’t know what to say or how to begin, so we kept walking. Eventually it got dark, so we stopped at picnic table in the little plaza on the opposite end of his street.
He started an apology, but I found the courage to cut him off. If anyone should apologize, it should be me. He didn’t say anything wrong. Heh, I should thank him. I told him he was right. Devonte was at best a distraction. I was dumb…and thirsty. I thought I could be happy with him, especially when I couldn’t be with Laurant.
Since I finally got the ball rolling, I laid our cards on the table. I told him we couldn’t go on pretending like we’re cool with being just friends. We also can’t deny how complicated a relationship would be; it’s already complicated and we’ve never even kissed. I said our circle of friends is my entire world, and for personal reasons unrelated to the conversation, I needed to grow beyond us.
“So, what are you saying? You don’t wanna be friends no more?”
Why is this so haaaard??? Of course I want to remain friends, but how can I do that when every time I’m around him I want to taste his lips and feel him inside me? I can’t date other people with a friend like that. It’s a recipe for disaster, but I didn’t say that to him. I told him he has a son now, and he needs to focus on him and finding a happy medium with Diamond–especially since she and Jaron are dating now. We both need to live our lives. If later we meet and still feel the same way, awesome. We’ll work it out. But presently we are holding each other back.
It hurt, but he understood. I think I broke my own heart, but I felt empowered by having that conversation. Maybe life outside my comfort zone won’t be so bad.
