We had a fairly nice, drama-free dinner. Well…mostly. Toddler drama doesn’t count. I don’t know if it’s because Alessia has a strong-willed personality or what, but it’s been harder to get her on a schedule. I try not to let her sleep too much during the day, but she’s sooooooo cranky when she’s sleepy. She won’t do anything—even eat—when she wants to sleep. I didn’t want to put her to bed so early, but it beat listening to her crying bloody murder all night. Needless, she didn’t join us for dinner. Guess I’ll be waking up extra early to an angry, ravenous toddler too.
Ali and Luca watched a movie while took Shiloh for a long walk to get myself together for this come to the Watcher chat. I have to admit to being nervous. Ali will probably leave, and I’ve accepted that. Let the punishment fit the crime, they say. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. I don’t want to lose him. But I know he deserves so much more than someone who cheats on him for no reason.
I showered and checked on the kids 50 times while Ali washed dishes. Things could get loud, and I wanted them to be good and sleep before then. Seeing him enter our room gave me this bittersweet feeling. He hadn’t been in there for two days, and I was glad to have him back, though I knew it was temporary.
He sat next to me and couldn’t make eye contact at first. He just sat there, staring at his toes, taking long breaths. Finally, he faced me. “Did I do something wrong?” he asked in a calm, small voice.
I wanted to grab his face and shake him and tell him how wonderful he was so he wouldn’t believe he caused this. But I needed to match his energy. “No. You’ve been amazing. You are amazing.”
I couldn’t help embellishing a bit. Hopefully, he believes that. I would hate myself if he walked away from this conversation still thinking this was his fault.
“So, why? If I’m so great, why do you need someone else?”
The question was valid. I still didn’t have an answer for it. But my goal was to make sure he knew I didn’t cheat because of him. “I don’t need him, Ali! You are everything I want. Please believe me! I just had a lapse in judgment!”
He chuckled and paced the floor. “Lapse in judgment, huh?”
I crawled across the bed to follow him.
“You’ve had a lot of those lately,” he said. “Are you in love with this guy?”
“…I… I… I don’t know! No! I don’t think so.”
That sent him zipping across the room with his hands on his head. “Emmy!! I’m throwing you a bone! I’m trying to understand what happened, and all you have to say is you don’t know? Are you trying to get rid of me? Because you’re definitely not trying to keep me!”
“I’M SORRY!! OK?! I WISH I understood why I slept with Dwayne! I WANT to give you clarity! I just can’t! But what I CAN tell you is you did nothing wrong! You didn’t deserve this! I know that! I didn’t go over there to sleep with him! I was vulnerable, and he was there and…it just happened!”
He walked in circles, shaking his head and rubbing his temples, trying to make sense of everything. Finally, he took a large breath and stood in front of me. “You could have come home. You know I would have done everything for you! And I know you think saying it just happened is supposed to make me feel better or whatever, but it doesn’t! Because I know you’re not a bad, irresponsible sim. You cut ties with all your other friends so they wouldn’t interfere with our relationship. That’s very responsible. So the only conclusion I can draw is you let Dwayne hang on because you love him. But you can’t even admit to that, and I’m supposed to be satisfied with it just happened and I don’t know?”
“I’m sorry, Ali. I really am.”
He sighed deeply. “Yeah… Me too.”
Even though I didn’t have the answers he sought, I needed to give him something, even if it’s not what he wanted to hear. He deserved at least that much. “I know I’ve frustrated you with my lack of clarity, but I love you so much, Ali. I’m not trying to get rid of you. I’m just… I feel awful! I don’t know how to fix this, and believe me, I want to! My friendship with Dwayne is complicated. I wasn’t even aware I had feelings until…until that night. This literally just happened, but it’s not something that will continue. Ok?”
“I know you believe that, but nothing ever just happens, Em. There’s more to this, and it must go really deep. You need to figure it out, but I’m afraid that’s gonna take longer than I’m willing to give. I can’t stay. The kids are coming with me.”
I sprang to my feet faster than a vampire in bat form. “LIKE HELL THEY ARE!”
“Em…please calm down and listen. You need to figure yourself out. And frankly, I don’t trust you anymore. I can’t leave my kids with you.”
“OUR kids! I’m their mother, Ali!! You can’t do this to me!”
“I’m doing what’s best for our kids.”
“But you work! How are you going to take care of Alessia during the day??”
“Her birthday is in two days! She’ll be in school with Luca.”
He was serious. Like, this was really about to happen?!
“Ali, PLEASE!! Don’t take them from me! We can go to counseling! I’ll cut Dwayne completely out of my life! I’ll do whatever you want just tell me what to do please don’t take my kids!!”
