When Ali came home, I ran to catch him before he went upstairs to surprise him with my no longer flat belly. But when I saw him, his face was red and eyes puffy. I ran to him to find out what was wrong and how I could help.
He smiled as best he could as his brain deciphered the situation. “You’re pregnant? So soon?”
“Are you mad?”
“No! No… This is a big surprise. Are you ok?”
“Oh, absolutely! What’s wrong, Ali? You looked like you were crying before.”
He tried to brush me away, but I didn’t let him. I know sometimes we have things we keep to ourselves, and that’s fine. Some things are better left unknown, I think. But something serious enough to make him cry? No. I know he’s trying not to be a burden on me or whatever, but we’re married! We are each other’s keepers. For life!
“Ok,” he said, “but you might not like it.”
He told me a story about a friend he had before he met me. Forbidden fruit, if you will. She was much older than him, and he had no business catching feelings, but he lacked the will to ignore her. They were never in a relationship, and things didn’t progress very far, but his feelings for her never went away. Even after he met me. Mostly, he didn’t think of her much since we got married. But a mutual acquaintance had just called to tell him she passed away, and he felt guilty for being sad and wanting to mourn her.
I felt like he had read my proverbial diary. All this time we both struggled with our feelings for someone else? Every time I think he couldn’t be more perfect for me, he shows me another side of himself. He thinks it’s ugly, but I think it’s beautiful.
“What if I told you I understand exactly how you feel?”
His eyes flicked open, surprised to learn not only was I not upset but also I could relate. We sat on the couch, and I introduced him to the Laurant saga. I started at the beginning with my teenaged self feeling guilty about liking the boy my friend was going after. Devonte got an honorable mention, but I went through the entire story. I even told him about what happened a few hours before he got home. I think that part surprised him. That one eyebrow rose ever so slightly, and he didn’t say anything for a while.
Even though I never felt like I was hiding the Laurant situation from Ali, his reaction made me feel like I did something wrong. I mean, I don’t believe I did. If I’m wrong, he’s wrong too. He’s never once mentioned this sim, so why would I mention Laurant? I say we’re equal, so he can’t be mad about this.
Despite what I just said, it was a relief to get it out in the open. I will always be truthful with him, but I love that I have someone other than Dwayne to confide in about this. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll never stop confiding in Dwayne. He is an awesome friend. But sometimes it feels sinister talking to him about things my husband doesn’t know.
I thought Ali and I had deep conversations before, but we never dug this deep within us. We kept the potentially problematic subjects to ourselves in order to keep the peace. This conversation had a level of vulnerability we’d never experienced with each other. For the first time, there were stakes. I think sharing these parts of our lives have brought us closer than ever.
