Mama was right about traveling with a baby. We take so long to get out of the house now because we have to pack what feels like luggage for a week-long vacation. We’ve gotta bring the portable crib for nap time, toys to keep her entertained, snacks, and the back carrier in case she gets too heavy for us. And this is just us leaving when we’re already dressed. I can’t imagine how much earlier we’ll have to start our days whenever we go out in the future. It already takes Sophia forever to do her hair, and now that I’ve grown mine out, I’ve added a few extra minutes to my routine too. And now we have a little one to throw into the mix.
Since the cemetery was close to the house, Alessia and Mama went home to change and check on the babies while we packed up everything we needed for Desi. They met us there, and everyone looked to me for guidance on how to proceed. I always felt like the de facto man of the house when we lived with Mama, and even sometimes at Dad’s house. But now that he is gone, that mantle has fallen officially on me, and I feel weird about it. On one hand, it feels familiar. But on the other, it’s yet another reminder that I’m flying solo. His shoes are huge, and the thought of trying to fill them is intimidating. If I’m honest, I’d rather not. But if I can channel even a fraction of his wisdom, and Desiree grows up more confidant and stronger than me, maybe it’s worth a shot.
“Mama, do you want to say anything?”
I might be the leader of this family now, but I can sure defer to my elder while she’s still here.
She nodded.
“I never stopped loving him, and I’m thankful for the good times we had and wish there could have been more of them. I’m thankful for the children he gave me. Most of all, I’m thankful for his forgiveness.”
I look at my sister.
“Less?”
At first, she shook her head as I expected she would. But when I turned to Sophia, a flash of panic flickered on her face as if to realize the opportunity she was about to pass up.
“I love you, Daddy,” she said.
Alessia’s tender side was a rare treat, and it almost broke me. Sure, it was just us, and I could let it out in front of my family; that was the reason Mama suggested we make this moment private. But the pressure of “being in charge” made me feel like I needed to keep it together.
“Ali was the first one I met when Luca and I started dating,” Sophia said. “One of my favorite things about meeting parents is seeing what your partner, and even your friends, will be like in a few years. Not just what they’re going to look like, but how they’ll be and where they get their qualities from. I saw all of Luca’s gentleness and charm in Ali. He gets his care and concern from you, Emmy. I knew Luca was the one pretty early on, but when I met Ali, I was extra confident Luca was the right man for me. I didn’t get to know him for long, but I’ll still miss him.”
I squeeze her hand like Maira did for me earlier. I could talk all night about how great my dad was, but it seems like the more I open my mouth, the more I feel the pressure that’s been building all day. Besides, I already spoke at the house, so I take the urn and place it on the plot next to Gammy, grandpa Winston, and Mama’s dogs. We stand there, gazing at it in silence, not wanting to depart just yet, but the rain Mama alluded to finally began. It’s light at first, not even enough for an umbrella, but Sophia wanted to get Desiree home. It’s a good idea, especially because the temperature is much cooler in Newcrest today. We gather ourselves and take a step toward the gate. That’s when the pressure breached the dam, and I could no longer hold it together.
