Life has been lifing, so I didn’t get around to doing tummy time with Desiree until today. After my much needed trip to Sixam with Sophia, and a shower, I grab Desi and get to work. When we bought this house, I recognized it was a bit cramped, although much bigger than our last residence. We were content with that because it was the best we could afford. Besides, I think that’s just the style of the homes in this area. But Desi is getting bigger now and will be mobile soon. She’ll have very little space to crawl around safely. Alessia still hasn’t decided what she’s going to do yet, but I know she’s gonna move; I can feel it. Maybe I’ll start looking for a duplex like Dub’s, just in case. Anyway, I take Desi into the hallway so I have enough room to get down on the floor with her and place her on her belly. This is a new experience, and though she’s apprehensive at first, she has determination in her eyes and accepts the challenge. But that fire doesn’t last long. When she realized all the muscles she needs to engage, and how weak she is, her face goes from, “bring it on,” to, “wait what??”
I encourage her, saying she can do it. She may be weak now, but we’ll practice every day until she’s strong and zooming all over this place. I know she doesn’t know what I’m saying to her, but I feel like she took the positive vibes and ran with them. She put away the tears and kept trying to hold her little head up until she got it! She looks over at me like, “am I doing it right??” I clap and cheer for her so she has no doubts how proud I am. Mama would be too.
I watch her as she decides how she feels about this new position she’s in, and she stays like that for about 20 minutes! She might not know it yet, but she is definitely ready to crawl. I feel it. After tummy time, she’s tired and a little cranky, so I put her down for a nap. Sophia came up to check on her while I’m coaxing her to sleep. I tell her about the milestone she reached, and she was so proud of her little sweet potato. So proud, she picked her up and gave her a tight squeeze. (sigh) She’ll never get that nap now, and I will pay sorely for this in the morning. But she totally earned the cuddle time. She’s an amazing child. Our little miracle.
That evening, I went for a jog with Rosie. When we got home, I walk in on Sophia being all geeked out because of another milestone Desi reached. She got her to take that nap, eventually. When she went back upstairs to check on her, she heard her babbling to herself before she entered the room. Naturally, she couldn’t make out any words, but it was definitely the beginnings of simlish. Then, when she entered, Desi’s eyes lit up like she hadn’t seen her in days, and she blew her a kiss! I was so happy she got to experience that, especially since I’m with her the most. Still, I was high key jealous. I know it’s impossible to catch every little thing, but I still want to see it all.
When she calmed down from the excitement, she invited me to sit with her for a serious chat. I thought maybe I was in trouble for hogging Desi and not giving her a chance to bond with her properly. Sophia has long since healed and rested from giving birth, but I guess I’m still in that mode of taking care of her and everything around the house. I just love being able to serve her and ensure she has no needs. But that wasn’t what she wanted to discuss.
“Do you still want to adopt?” she asked.
I was not prepared for that question and felt like an idiot, sitting there with my mouth gaped like that. Another child was the furthest thing from my mind. I’m still trying to get the hang of having one child, let alone bring another into the chaos. But how did she feel? Why did she bring it up? If she’s still wanting a big family, will I be okay with that? I have to tread lightly because this conversation could go in a million and six ways, and frankly, most of them would probably head south. I analyze her face, hoping to gauge how she feels, looking for signs of where she stands, but I’m clueless. Instead of giving her an answer I think she wants, I pivot and throw the question back at her. Even though Desi is probably the most easy-going infant there is, she admits to being on a steep learning curve on this parenting journey. It turns out she doesn’t have a problem with me being with Desi all the time because she wants me to take the lead. Things haven’t clicked for her as she expected, and she feels a little lost. Even though I hate she’s not feeling confident as a mother, I’m relieved that my obsession with our daughter hasn’t gotten in her way. But that isn’t the challenge she’s concerned about. Desi is still very young, and Sophia has many many more days to get her parenting wings. The mental wear and tear is the part making her gun shy. She has so many more things to think about now, and a thousand seventeen more to worry about. Most of the things that hem her up aren’t even real and will probably never happen, but in her mind they feel very real. I told her I agreed 3000% to everything she said, and that surprised her. She thought I had it all figured out since I’m so good with Desi, but I told her I’m just winging it like she is.
Knowing we’re in the same boat seems to comfort her, and she gets to the point. She can’t see herself adding another child into the mix and wants to know if I’mokay with just one child, especially since we also have a niece and two nephews to consider. I admit my relief and remind her I’d always have her back and support her needs. If she would have said she was ready to adopt, I would have been okay with it and figured it out. But knowing she doesn’t want more children is a weight off my shoulders, honestly. What’s more a relief is her already knowing and accepting how much I want to be in my niblings’ lives, even without saying anything to her; she knows me so well. It already feels like I have four children. Sophia and I wanted Desiree to have siblings to grow up with, and I feel awful about denying her them. But I honestly can’t see a fifth child in our lives. I don’t think my heart can take it.
