We got ourselves and Desi dressed in green again and headed to the cemetery. The trip was quite cumbersome with the portable crib, Desi’s bag, and portable chairs, but we made it. I set everything up so we could wait comfortably for Less to arrive. Thankfully, Desi didn’t fight me about putting her in the crib, though I feel like she was threatening me under her breath, heh.
She glared at me, and I stared back, but not to intimidate her. I just got lost in thought. Sitting here in the cemetery looking at her before I bury my mother put things in a really odd, grim perspective. I’m sad for her, Breanna, Arvin, and Lex. I don’t know how old my parents were when they had us, but I think me and Less might be a little older than they were, and Sophia is even older than us. That means the kids will have to deal with this earlier in their lives, and I’m already sorry for that pain we’ll cause them. I’m especially sad for Desi because she’ll be alone. I mean, she’ll have her cousins, and hopefully her own family, but no one will miss us quite like she will. That is a burden she’ll bear all by herself, and I hate that for her.
Less arrives, complaining about her exhaustion and the challenges of caring for three infants. Part of her is relieved they’ll be walking in a few days, but she’s mostly dreading it because that means more trouble and she’ll really have to keep an eye on them. I try to pivot by saying things will be better when they’re toddlers because they’ll be less dependent on her, meaning she can do more things with them, including dropping them at our house from time to time. She appreciated that part. She’s felt like she’s been in prison with them, especially since Mama passed.
Speaking of Mama, I told Less to pull up a chair and asked what her favorite memory of her was. I thought she would have to think about it, but she had one at the ready. Less was never a very huggy child and always had a passive attitude about everything. That made it hard for her and Mama to connect. She always felt like Mama liked me more. Her favorite memory was the first time she felt like she and Mama had a breakthrough. The day after her teen birthday, Mama got her a phone. She was so excited and wanted her to be a part of her online world. Less showed her all her favorite SimTube videos, all the profiles of the kids at school, all the memes, all the things. Mama didn’t ask questions or show any concerns about her being so obsessed. She just watched everything and even seemed interested in it all.
Sophia didn’t know her long enough to have a favorite memory, but she said she’d never forget when they met. Meeting your partner’s parents is always a nerve-wracking experience, but when you’re talking about marriage and starting a family, it’s even more unnerving. If it doesn’t go well, that experience will hang over your head for the rest of your life, potentially. But meeting Emmy was such nice, chill experience. First, she was so gorgeous it was almost intimidating. She didn’t ask a thousand questions or embarrass me like many moms do. Meeting Mama was like making a new friend—a friend who was even more a fan of me than she was, heh. She was just an amazing woman.
While Less and Sophia told their stories, I tried hard to comb over my brain and pick just one. It was so hard to do, but I finally settled on one. We all know she loved us like nobody’s business, but I remember the moment I realized how far her love would go. I begged Mama to let Dad come on my birthday trip to Mt. Komorebi. I knew they were divorced, and I knew she was dating someone, but it was really important to me for all of us to be together. It was basically tradition because we were always together for our birthdays. She told me no every time I asked, but when we arrived, Dad was there. She was willing to put aside her feelings and work through the awkwardness just so I could have what I wanted. That’s the moment I learned how sacrificial the love of a parent is, and I try to be that for Desi.
Speaking of Desi, it was past her nap time, and she was fighting sleep. I’ll never understand why babies do that. They know they’re tired and need to sleep, yet they try to stay awake anyway. But the most beautiful scene in the world played out right in front of me. Sophia was about to get up and see about her, but Less got up and said, “Relax. I got it.” She walked over to the crib and soothed Desi until she fell asleep. It was so beautiful I almost cried. I keep saying this, but I mean it more and more every time I say it. Each time I see her interact with the babies, I know despite how sucky her situation is, everything will be alright. I probably don’t even need to worry about her as much as I do. She’s always so concerned that she’s not a good mom, but she has the skills. If only she can see what I see. If she didn’t have children, I think she’d be a dope auntie. She probably looked forward to having fun with my children, spoiling them rotten, getting them high on sugar, and them sending them back to me, but now she has her own crew to deal with.
We shared a few more stories and laughs before a natural pause in the conversation came up. We sat in the silence for a moment because we knew it was time to say goodbye. I got up and placed the urn on the plot in front of Dad’s headstone. Alessia and Sophia joined me, and we circled around the plot, trying to find the strength to say goodbye. It’s so interesting how fast things can change. One moment we’re laughing and chopping it up, and the literal next moment we’re trying to hold back tears.
“Mama,” I said in a broken voice, “I know you said you didn’t want us crying, but how can we not? You’re gone.”
Those words almost took me out, and I needed a moment to ground myself before I could finish. Sophia came closer and rubbed my arm and told me everything was okay.
“You were everything to me, and I…”
Neither of us could take it anymore.
We cried and hugged, just like we did when Grim came. I was really glad Desi was asleep because we really needed that moment for ourselves. Again, we cried until we had no tears left. Desi had woken up by then, so we definitely needed to get home. I gave Less one final hug, and she told me she wants to live closer but not in Dad’s house.
“Say less,” I said. “I’ll take care of it.”
