It’s 5:19 a.m., and Desi is giggling, so I guess it’s time to get up. Today is her birthday, and I am stoked about celebrating a new chapter of her life. But that joy in tandem with all these deaths, and watching everyone around me get older, has me feeling anxious. In the grand scheme of things, I’m still pretty young, not even a quarter of the way through my adult days. But time feels like it’s zooming by. I can’t recall exactly when it started, but these last few months have flown by so quickly. It feels like just yesterday I moved in with Sophia, and now I’m grieving the loss of my parents. And I have a toddler now. Where has the time gone? What have I really done with my life? Even though I know I’ve grown a lot, sometimes I still feel like that scared young man who was afraid of his feelings.
Desiree isn’t ready to eat yet, but I’m starving, so I put her in the high chair while I got food for me. I learned my lesson, and she will not scare me like that again. I think she enjoys keeping me company, sitting there, blowing raspberries and saying things to me. She’s so chatty so early in the morning. Maybe she’s recalling a wild dream she had, heh. I’ll always encourage growing her skills, but hopefully she won’t end up as chatty as Chi Chi and her daughter. Still, I kinda can’t wait to have a real conversation with her. I tell her today is her birthday and about how she’ll be a big girl and all the fun things together like go to the park, play in the water, and make friends. She doesn’t seem impressed, and I laughed at her unamused face. I guess she’s not interested in life outside my arms yet, heh.
Sophia joined us a little later, and I ask for her thoughts about doing play dates with Yasmine’s girls. I expected a little resistance, but I didn’t expect the full on stone face.
“We made a promise to each other, Luca.”
I had not forgotten how we promised to make time for each other no matter how hard or busy things got, but what did that have to do with this? Desi needs to socialize. We may as well do it with kids we already know vs. meeting strangers at the park or whatever. Sophia admits the recent busyness was beyond our control and expresses gratefulness for the pockets of time we’ve had for ourselves. But she also senses me getting caught up. I shift in my chair and tense up because it sounds like she’s accusing me of something, and I don’t like it.
“You have a huge heart, and I love that about you,” she says. “I don’t ever want you to stop caring about people, but while you’re out here trying to help everyone, I feel like you’re gonna edge me out of your life.”
I can’t lie. Those felt like fighting words, and I couldn’t keep it together anymore.
“How could you possibly think that?? What do you think I’m gonna do?!”
“No, please, you misunderstood me. I’m just saying I don’t want to be left out. You’re already gone a lot to look after your niece and nephews. I’m your wife, not a babysitter or even your baby mama. We’re friends! I miss talking to you and laughing about stupid stuff!”
“I’m not saying I don’t want to help Yasmine,” she continued. “Just…watch yourself. You’re so quick to say yes to everyone, but I don’t want you spending all of our time being a hero. Remember to make time for us. Please.”
I see what she means now. I guess I have been falling down on the job lately. Taking care of her, Desiree, and the house is noble—endearing, even—but it’s no substitute for spending quality time together, not that my goal was to substitute quality time with those things. She shouldn’t have to loiter in the living room, waiting for me to come home to spend time with me. I need to be more intentional about it. I still haven’t taken her to that restaurant by Dub’s house. Maybe it’s time to clear the proverbial schedule and do that.
“I’ll remember.”
