I’ve done a lot of thinking on this trip, probably way more than I should have, but I think it’s actually been a good thing this time. I finally admitted to myself that I am, in fact, having a midlife crisis. An existential one. But being here in a stress-free, drama-free, and grief-free environment with my family, and watching Dub and Maia pledge their love to each other, I got a lot of clarity about my place in this world. I’ve been so concerned about my career (or lack thereof) and how I contribute and make a difference in the world, but I don’t need to climb a ladder, or garner a bit of fame, or win awards to change the world. The world changed when Desiree was born. She is my contribution to the world, and it will be a better place because she is in it. So what do I do now? Continue to pour my heart and soul into this child so that when she leaves me, I can say I’ve done all I can. Does that mean I’m never going back to work? Not at all. It just means a career and accomplishments do not define my worth. The privilege I have to not work if I want does not make me less of a man or diminish my purpose, which is to prepare Desi to be a fierce yet kind force. I hope the world is ready.
Considering this renewed sense of purpose and zest for life, I considered my niece and nephews. I realize taking care of my niblings needs to mean more than just being a positive male figure in their lives. Alessia isn’t working either and is living on whatever Mama left her and child support from the donor. Unless she goes back to work, or gets her own money tree or a sugar daddy, their futures will look very different from Desi’s. There is nothing wrong with that because it is what it is, but I have the opportunity to shape their futures as well. Dad once gave me financial advice about investing money. I’m gonna look into that and see if I can increase my earnings because Mama once said, if I’m ever able to provide for my children like she did, I will. She was right. Lex, Arvin, and Breanna may not be mine, but I’ll do everything I can for them, too. I’m sure Less won’t mind this at all.
When we checked out of the rental, we went back to the neighborhood where Dub and Maia got married to start our self-guided tour. Actually, we went back to the wall where they wrote messages for each other and wrote some of our own. The rain drizzled and wasn’t too bothersome at first, but it never stopped. Desiree wasn’t too thrilled about being soaked and cold, so we decided to call it and head back home. We can always come back if we want to see the rest of the city. Maybe without the kid next time. Bae-cay-shin style, heh.
