Desi reminds me so much of Less when she was a little girl. She was so full of energy and ran literally everywhere she went. I don’t think she started walking until we got to high school. She always found something to get into, and Desi is the same way. She loves playing with the dogs, and they love it too, especially Rosie who constantly needs to play. Sometimes I think they might get tired of the tiny sim who is always imitating them and trying to speak to them in their language, but they sit there and let her do it, and it’s so adorable.
Just as Desi is growing, me and Sophia are too, because this parenting journey does not follow a straight line. Its path is ever winding. Sometimes, it cuts across deep rivers, and I feel like I’m drowning. Most of the time, it stretches across little mountain ranges. I climb one mountain, get to the top, and celebrate my victory, only to look across and see the road scaling up an even bigger mountain. As soon as we learn to handle one situation, a new one crops up and we’re back at the beginning. I keep telling Sophia, we’re not bad parents; we’re just learning. She still has these weird moments of insecurity, and I know it stems from her childhood. Despite how they treated her, Sophia’s parents weren’t necessarily bad. They never mistreated her and showed love in their own misguided way. When she was pregnant, we talked about how we would raise Desi. My childhood was better than hers, but it still left scars on me. In the end, we decided the best way to raise her is to be the parent we wanted. That’s why I spend so much time with her. I want her to know I’m here and she is safe.
I don’t think I’ve ever admitted this before, but I didn’t always feel safe when we lived with Dad. My parents’ separation and divorce was a very emotionally draining time on its own. Add to that Dad being too tired and depressed to do anything with us when he got home from work, and that made for a very anxious Luca. We didn’t get the support we needed from him. That was the real reason I pushed so hard to live with Mama. She always made everything better when we lived with her on the weekends, so we moved back home. But then she drops this bomb on us that sent me back into a whirlwind of uncertainty. She destroyed my sanctuary, and it took nearly the rest of my life to find peace and stability. I want Desiree to know of nothing else.
Sophia’s wish for her was similar, but she’s so hesitant to execute sometimes because she’s so inside her head, wondering if she’s doing enough, if it’s right, and how Desi perceives her. Analysis paralysis, they call it. I try to encourage her as much as I can, but I know this is something she needs to figure out on her own, so I mostly leave her alone. When I see her figuring things out, I want to celebrate it and say a more supportive and happy version of “I told you so,” but if I call attention to it, that will make her self-conscious, so I just smile.
Desi is such an affectionate child. She’s constantly reaching her little arms up at Sophia, asking for a hug, and I love that for them. I know it makes Sophia feel good and dispels all the negative self-talk she has going on in her head. At least that’s how I keep myself from getting jealous, anyway. Sophia gets the hugs, and I get air kisses. Receiving the love you’ve given is such a rewarding experience.
Last week, when Sophia pointed out I needed to do a better job of prioritizing our marriage, I felt like I hit a wall. I spend all this time with Desi, feeding her, teaching her, soothing her, and all the things I’m supposed to do as a good father, and it still turns out bad. The answer to that situation is balance, of course, and in the grand scheme of things, that was a small mountain. I’m getting better at it, but I’m still working out the kinks.
What makes it tricky is the fact that Desiree is very social and the only child. Real talk? She needs a sibling. That is the cold, hard facts. But Sophia and I already had that conversation, so as much as I’d like to help her with that, it’s not happening. For the moment, we are both her parents and her friends. I try to encourage her to play on her own because it’s good for her development and imagination—and great opportunities for the adults to talk—but like I said, she’s social. She loves hanging out with us, and I do too, but I’m beginning to see now how it’s not necessarily the best thing for her. Not only does she want to be around us, but also she wants to dominate the conversation. She’ll interrupt an ongoing conversation but get mad that we’re not paying attention to her. Sometimes she yells “I’m talking” as if we’re the ones interrupting her.
I tell her we’re talking and it isn’t nice to interrupt, but I totally get where she’s coming from. It’s in her nature to socialize, but doesn’t have anyone her own age to talk to. That’s why I REALLY need to get on this house search so she can be closer to her cousins. I’d love for her and Tami to hang out, but she’s about to have her birthday. Enrolling Desi in pre-school would also help, but I don’t think I’m ready to be away from my child for that long just yet. For now, I just need to get this family closer.
