The next day, I made a point to get up extra early so we wouldn’t have another frantic mad-dash out the door. That kind of stress isn’t good for anyone. I took a long, hot shower, did my hair, and put thought into my outfit vs. just grabbing something. I went to get Desi up, but as always, she had already beaten me to it. She was playing in her room, so I left her to make breakfast. We enjoyed a nice, slow morning, just like in the old days, but something troubled me. I had another nightmare. This time aliens abducted me, and they did all kinds of experiments on me while I was still conscious; it was terrible. I know it’s natural to have lingering stress after a traumatic event, but the trouble I felt didn’t seem related to the fire. The heaviness around me felt more unsettled than fear or panic. Deep down, waaaay in the crevices of my subconscience, I knew what plagued me, but I hadn’t allowed myself to address it. The fire trauma was just the mechanism used to get my attention, and now, with all these nightmares haunting me, I can’t ignore it. I kept telling myself I wasn’t ready and stuffed those thoughts in the farthest parts of my mind, but I should have known they would come back to bite me. I need to visit the cemetery.
The groundskeeper threw away all the flowers and candles we had left at each visit; that’s how long it had been. I was so ashamed at the sight. Their name plates were all dusty, and my grandparents’ were barely legible from being covered in dirt. I knelt in front of Mama and wiped away the dust.
“I’m sorry, Mama. I didn’t think I was ready to see you, so I kept putting it off. But days turned to weeks, and weeks into months, and here I am.”
“So many things remind me of you, and I can’t stand it. But I love it too. You’re unforgettable, not that anyone could ever forget their mother. I don’t know what I’m saying… Desiree is so big now. We had a fire at our house, and she’s still pretty rattled, so I don’t think bringing her here will be a good idea right now, but as soon as she’s ready, I will.”
“Less’ kids are great. A little rambunctious, but great. And she’s excellent with them, too. You would be so proud of her. I bought a duplex in San Sequoia so she could live next door. It’s been great. I’m doing what you asked: taking care of my sister.”
“Long time ago, you told me to find someone who fits into my life who I can’t live without. Every day, Sophia shows me how there is no one else in this world who could have given me such a wonderful life. I may have had a lot of insecurities about relationships early on, but I never forgot what you told me. I always thanked Dad and gave him credit for getting me from a boy to a man, but I never gave you credit for giving me a framework to guide me. So…yeah. Thanks.”
“It looks like it’s gonna rain soon, so I guess I’ll get out of here. Hopefully, you’ll be able to see this before it goes out. I’m lighting a candle, so you’ll know I was here. I love you, Mama, and I wish you could see how wonderful my life is. We’ve had lots of challenges, but I wouldn’t trade any of it. I miss you. I’ll see you soon.”
I stood there in silence, remembering our good times and feeling grateful for the wisdom my parents bestowed upon me. An odd surge of energy coursed through my body, and I knew for sure this visit was what I’d been needing. The truth behind my procrastination is simple: I didn’t want to feel broken again. Grieving my parents, especially Mama, drained me, and I felt like I would never be whole again. I hated that feeling and didn’t want to experience it again. But standing there, holding that candle, thinking about my beautiful mother gave me life.
I put down the candle and started to leave. Just before I reached the exit, I heard, “Wait! I’m here!”
“Me too,” another echoed voice said.
Both of them?? What are the odds?
All at once, I was a little kid again, happy and excited about hanging out with his parents. Mama wanted to know about the duplex, so I started from the very beginning with Dub moving to San Sequoia and buying his house. I rambled on and on about that, and the money tree, and our vacations, and Desi getting into yoga, and my SimTube channel… I felt like Chi Chi had possessed me, ha ha. Talking to them again filled me with such delight.
I thought hearing about everything they missed might upset them, but my life events elated them. I swear, with every story I told, Mama got more and more pumped up. By the time I was done, she was squealing with excitement. I guess when you live a full life like she did, you don’t feel like you’re missing out when you die. You just cheer on everyone as you watch them grow. That’s a life lesson right there.
“I’m so proud of you,” Dad said.
Hearing those words again healed my soul. I tend to think I live right and make good decisions, but receiving affirmation that I’m on the right track never gets old. I’m really glad I came.
