We left the hospital in a daze. The kind that seeps into your bones and gives you a false sense of calm. I don’t remember the journey home, only the moment we plopped on the couch like we’d just returned from war. I sat there, numb, staring at the empty TV screen. Sophia’s sighs brought me back to the present. I felt for her—for us. We discussed it. No more children, we said. Even though I still wanted a child now and then, I would have never revisited that conversation, especially given how badly she struggled with Desiree. But here we are, expecting another child in the most unconventional way possible. I’m glad it’s a boy, but if I’m honest, I don’t want him this way.
I tried so many times to glance in her direction and see how she was doing, but I chickened out every time. Carrying a baby as a man was hard. No one would fault me if I behaved selfishly and threw myself a little pity party. Still, I couldn’t help but focus on Sophia. This might be hard for me, but she’s the one having to bear it all on top of coming to terms with her feelings about starting over. I had to ask.
“Sophia…”
She exhaled, breath coated in emotional exhaustion.
“Hmm?”
“I need to know how you really feel about this. Like, for real.“
She exhaled again, staring at the floor.
“No, you don’t.”
“Please…”
She looked at me, finally, as if to beg me not to make her dig that deep. I don’t know what she found in my eyes, but after holding my gaze for several moments, she relented and gazed at the floor again.
“We fought so hard for Desi. All those stupid treatments … All the tears … All that time just…gone. We both wanted a big family, and I felt like I let you down. But now, you’re the one expecting. And we didn’t even have to try. It hurts, Luca.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “It really hurts.”
I couldn’t help but cry, too. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but I poured salt on wounds I didn’t know were still open. This whole thing is such a mess! I wanted to fix it for her, despite knowing there was really nothing I could do. A thought entered my mind, one I never expected I’d entertain. I felt guilty just considering it, but if it healed my wife…
“Do you, uhh…” I couldn’t even get the words out; they were so wrong. I couldn’t even look her in the eye. “Should I tell Dr. McKnight I changed my mind?”
She gasped, mouth agape, surprised I said it, but clearly weighing her response. Then she shook it off.
“What? No! I’d never ask you-“
“I know you wouldn’t,” I said, cutting her off. “I’m opening the door.”
She sank into the sofa, burdened by the weight of her decision. I felt bad for putting that on her, but I needed her to know she had a stake in this as much as I did. This baby might not be her blood, but he’ll still be her child.
“I don’t want you to do that,” she said, finally. “I just—I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel right now. I know that I’m scared, and I feel like maybe this is how-“
Whatever she was about to say took her aback. Her eyes went wide, and her body stiffened. I waited for her to continue, but she never did. I wanted to know her deep feelings, but I didn’t have the energy to go there while my back throbbed and the cramps returned. She’d revisit when she felt ready to share.
“I don’t remember you being in this much pain,” I groaned.
She wiped tears, looking relieved for a new topic.
“Your body isn’t exactly designed for this. He’s just trying to make do with what he has.”
“He needs to be calmer about it. You hear that, little guy? Give me a break, please.”
A tiny smile warmed the space between us, giving me a brief respite from our troubles. But then it went away.
“Why didn’t you tell me you wanted a son?” she asked.
It was a valid, simple question, yet it still caught me off guard.
“Well … You were very clear about not having more children. Why bring it up?”
“We could have discussed it. We could’ve…adopted or something. It’s obvious you wanted it pretty bad. I don’t want you feeling like I stole your dream or something.”
“It’s not like that, Sophia. I swear.”
“So, what was all that back there?”
“It’s just … I was serious when I agreed to no more kids. But sometimes when I’m around my nephews, I wonder what it would be like to have my own son. It’s just a fantasy I entertain sometimes. That’s all. I reacted like that because I was just shocked. Kinda like when you won the lottery. I’m sure you’ve thought about it before, but you never thought you’d actually win. And then one random day, you did.”
“Hmmm, that’s a good example. So you don’t resent me?”
“Sophia, come on.”
“What? You know you hide things from me, so don’t act like I’m crazy.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. I swear the baby thing was strictly fantasy. I know IVF was rough. Even if I really wanted another baby, I’d never ask you to do that again.”
“Okay.”
“You know I always put your needs first.”
“I understand, but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t have everything you want because of how I feel. We can revisit things like how you did with the money tree. I’m not a dictator, Luca!”
“I know! I’m not saying you are. And if I really want something, I’ll say it, but this was not that.”
“Promise?”
“Cross my heart.”
“Alright. What do you feel like eating? I’ll cook tonight.”
Seemed like even the idea of food caused my stomach to turn again.
“I don’t know. I can’t even think about eating right now. Make whatever you want.”
“Okay. Sit tight.”
She disappeared into the kitchen, and I sat there rubbing my queasy stomach. Desi came home shortly after, full of questions. She sought to befriend someone—someone I heavily suspected was a boy. Her comment about the child’s indifference confirmed my suspicion; it was definitely a boy. Men. We’re such idiots. I didn’t want to call her out by explaining the potholes in male brains, so I told her sometimes sims were shy and didn’t know how to behave around others. Also, some sims weren’t great at understanding the hints we drop. I proposed making a big friendly gesture to make it clear she’s interested in friendship.
She seemed satisfied with my answer and lingered for a moment. That would have been a good time to tell her about her little brother, but I couldn’t do it. I needed more time to process the news myself. Besides, this wasn’t the kind of news you ambush someone with just before dinner.
