I spent the past two days in shock, trying to wrap my head around being pregnant, and gave no thought to the timing of things. I woke up in the second trimester, and it lowkey devastated me. Of course, I knew the baby had to grow and what that would do to my body, but my mind wasn’t there yet. I was still paranoid and concerned about our safety, locking doors and windows at night—still can’t believe any of that even happened to me. Waking up with a huge belly was a gut punch. Life went on without me, and I needed to catch up and deal with it. I couldn’t hide anymore and had to tell people, including my daughter, and that made me feel like going back to bed and never getting up. I wasn’t ready and was still deep in denial, so I went to ThrifTea after breakfast to buy new clothes. Tomorrow will be the first day of fall, so I could start wearing baggy sweaters to hide as much as possible. I’d never been so body conscious in all my life. I wouldn’t call myself an exhibitionist, but I had a great body I worked hard to maintain, and I didn’t mind showing off from time to time. But now, all I wanted to do was hide myself from the world and disappear. Still, I was conscious of how my mood could affect the baby. Hell, he might be an alien and reading my thoughts. I rubbed my belly and said to my son, “I’m not ashamed of you. I just don’t know how to explain you yet.”
As I browsed the racks, I tried to stick to oversized hoodies and sweats, but they depressed me. I wasn’t the best dresser, but my closet was full of skinny jeans, shirts with deep v-necks, and fashion tees. I couldn’t throw away my sense of style even just for this short time. After all, the clothes wouldn’t hide me anyway, so I got a few items that were more like me. When I got home, Sophia said she couldn’t find Kooper. She looked all over the house and yard, all his favorite hiding spots, and even all the new potential hiding spots. Nothing. She wasn’t dressed, so I knew she didn’t go far outside and told her I’d walk around the neighborhood and look for him. I felt so self-conscious walking around with my stomach jutting out like I’d swallowed a whole watermelon. Hopefully, my oversized sweater vest did a decent enough job of shielding me from prying eyes. I called out for Kooper, but he never came. Did he seriously run away? The other day when he was out of pocket, was he really fussing at me? Maybe he felt the bad vibes in the house and went back to Gilbert Gardens. Did he feel neglected because I favored Rosie for jogs? It seemed like we always have so much going on in this family, so I guess it’s possible we neglected him. Why would he leave us? I got on Social Bunny and asked everyone in the area to lookout for him and call if they saw him. I promise, when he returns, I’ll be a better dog dad.
Desi was having a late breakfast when I came back, and it took everything I had not to slip away unseen and hide in my room for the rest of the day. She had to find out, eventually; may as well get it over with. I sat next to Sophia, trying to will the courage to open my mouth, but none came. Luckily, Desiree opened the door.
“You’re getting so fat, Daddy.”
Sophia glanced at me, and I at her. We were both scared about how this would go. Me and Desi discussed having siblings once, and I basically told her she would be an only child forever. She seemed to appreciate that.
“I’m so sorry,” Sophia whispered. “I have to go.”
I checked the time, and sure enough, she was due at work soon.
“Do you want me to stay?” she asked, still whispering.
I would have loved to tag-team with her again, but I needed to handle this one on my own. Maybe talking it out with Desi will also help me accept this and spark some excitement.
I shook my head at her, and she patted me on the shoulder as she got up.
“Sit with me, Des. We need to talk.”
