I’d never been so grateful for a mundane, boring Saturday. It made me hopeful that the drama and nonsense were over; I could almost taste the calm of our new normal finally settling in. New babies always upset the balance a bit, and Logan did it with flair, heh. He’s getting smarter and stronger every day, hitting milestone after milestone just like his big sister. He can grab things and hold them with a firm grasp. And he’s so smiley! He coos and smiles ALL the time. I’d never seen a smilier baby, especially when he’s peeing on me while downing a bottle. (sigh) Boys. He enjoys that entirely too much.
My love for him fades the memories of the abduction little by little. I’ll never be able to completely forget what happened to me, but at least the anxiety and fear no longer rule my life. Still, now and then, I think about it, and my mind runs away with fearful thoughts. Surely they wouldn’t do it again, right? I’m doing my best to make their family member feel loved and at home here, but what if I’m too good at it? What if they deem me the chosen one or something? I’m grateful for Logan’s presence in my life, even though he came about in the most traumatic way possible, but there is no way I’d be willing to do it again. It’s such a weird dichotomy between this terrible thing that I never want to experience again and a love for the thing that came out of it. I just hope one day I’ll get to a place where I can see him as my son and not my son who is an alien and caused me so much stress.
Sophia is conflicted too. She says nothing, but I see it. She busies herself with unnecessary housework, only interacting with Logan when I’m not available. We barely see her anymore. The last time she did this, I didn’t understand it. This time I do. My wish for her is similar to the hope I have for my own future. I can only hope there will come a time when she’ll fall in love with him because he’s already in love with her. Or maybe rather, I hope she’ll see how much he loves her. But there is more to her absence than just avoiding Logan. I miss her. Sometimes even when she’s sitting right next to me, she feels so far away. We’ve had woohoo here and there, but we haven’t really connected. Our recent times together have been more for comfort and a little escapism, if I’m being totally honest. I don’t want to keep coming to her to escape what’s going on in my mind, and I don’t want her to keep offering herself like some big bowl of chicken noodle soup. I want to be together because we love each other and want to show how much. Understanding things are different now and getting better every day, we always have to adjust when things happen. I guess what I’m trying to say is I really hope this mundane Saturday isn’t a false sense of normalcy because I’d rather do more loving and less adjusting.
