It’s funny how history in our house keeps repeating itself. As I said before, Sophia once again created distance with our infant, but this time around I have a very clear picture of why. And because I understand what she is going through, I’m not waiting by the proverbial phone for her to answer the motherhood call. It’ll click when it clicks because this situation was nowhere near within the realm of our control. But I see her trying. Maybe even more than she tried with Desiree. She watches us from a distance, like a shy child desiring to join in the fun. And when she’s not around, she asks me about Logan’s progress. I feel like she knows she’s repeating the past and is trying to force a connection that isn’t there, and I get it.
This morning, she asked again. I finally used that waffle maker someone gave us as a wedding gift and told her he laughs now, and if he keeps following Desi’s pattern, he’ll be babbling soon. His “smileyness” wasn’t new, but it was just so adorable. I couldn’t help but repeat it, especially since he was lying on his mat, having a time kicking his feet up, grabbing his toes, smiling, and giggling the entire time.
“He smiles the biggest when he knows you’re around.”
I said that, thinking nothing of it, but she froze, and her eyes went wide like she had gotten caught stealing or something.
“He does?” she asked, with a tiny crack in her voice.
“Oh yeah,” I said with a mouthful of waffles. “He’s a big fan.”
She stared at me for a while with a little something in her eyes before her head fell onto her chest. She looked disappointed with herself, and I wanted to tell her whatever she accused herself of was not her fault. But she pushed away from the table, picked up Logan, and held him tight against her chest. He melted into her and had the most satisfied look on his face. I knew that was the moment she had dethroned me as his favorite, ha.
“Oh, sweet pea,” she said. “I’m sorry if I made you feel difficult to love. I’ll be your mommy now.”
Emotions flooded my body, which I found difficult to contain, but I fought hard. That’s when I remembered what she started to say that afternoon when we got home from the hospital after learning I was pregnant. She had the same guilty look then that she had a few moments ago. All the pieces of this puzzle came together in an instant, and I knew what this whole thing was about. She now understands how her parents felt, raising a child and feeling no connection. The difference between her and them, however, is she overcame that and chose to love Logan. I was a wreck and couldn’t speak. She wouldn’t want me to respond to that anyway.
When she’s done loving on Logan, she sits him up on the mat.
“You’re gonna do that?” I asked. “We’re still fighting through tummy time.”
She cocked her head and gave Logan a cheeky glance.
“You tell your daddy tummy time is for whiny babies. You’re ready to sit up, aren’t you? I feel it!”
She sounded just like me with Desi, and I was so happy for her. For them.
“Don’t let anyone hold you back, mister!”
I think she overloaded Logan’s system with all the love and attention she gave. He was smilier and gigglier than ever, so much so he knocked himself over and giggled some more. She left him alone to enjoy the moment while she started a conversation with me. I kept an eye on him while we talked, and how ’bout this little dude rolled over and pushed himself up on all fours like he was getting ready to crawl. Cue super-proud dad music!
