All day, I busied myself with the usual: jogging, gardening, Logan, yoga. But this time I let Sophia know I was still processing and wasn’t ready to talk. I think she appreciated that. At least it was a step in the right direction. Still, the weight of my missteps pressed on me. How had I let it get this far? I’d failed her on too many levels. Shame sat heavy on my chest.
When Desiree got home from school, I offered to “help” with her homework. We both knew she didn’t need it. Her grades were great, and graduation too close. But I needed the distraction. She yammered on about school, her friends, and the career fair, never once mentioning Josh, which told me everything I needed to know. He was threaded through every snicker and lilt in her voice. My little girl was falling in love.
I left her to it and went for one last run before facing Sophia. I still wasn’t ready to hear everything laid out, but after abandoning her last night and ducking her all day, I owed her the effort. She was sitting in the kitchen when I returned, keeping close while Logan finished his nap. I grabbed a few slices of leftover pizza and sat across from her.
“Hi,” she said, voice careful, like she didn’t want to spook me.
I opened my mouth to respond but then realized I didn’t even know what I was eating.
“Wait a minute … where did this pizza come from?”
“Oh, Desi made it.”
“She made this? When?”
“Last night … while you were out.”
That word was so loaded. It carried rebuke, concern, and hope but still managed to be an invitation.
“Sorry,” I said, trying to put together words that didn’t sound like excuses. “I was feeling lost. I needed to talk to someone, so I went to Dub’s.”
She exhaled long and slow, as if cooling herself down. “Was I not a suitable option?”
I chewed a few more bites of pizza, trying to find words that wouldn’t dig the hole deeper. “I didn’t want to make it worse. And I needed help. I didn’t know how to respond to you.”
Her eyes narrowed. “And you do now?”
I shrugged. “We’ll see. But I’m sorry. For all of it.”
She inhaled a sharp breath and held it. “It really hurt that you thought I cheated on you.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. Deep down, I knew better, but—”
“The thing about it is, Luca, you always talk about your history with cheating, but you never remember mine. If you did, you’d know I would never do that to you.”
Forget the pizza. I set it on the floor and joined her on the couch. Nothing mattered more than making her believe me.
“I do remember,” I said. “I just … I was triggered, I guess.”
“I get that. But it still hurts. It’ll take me a while to get over it.”
I nodded. “I trust you with my life, Sophia. That’s never changed.”
Her eyes got glassy. “Then start acting like it. Right now, it feels like there’s no room for me in this house. Like I’m an employee, not your wife. That’s what my mother was. I don’t want her life.”
“Of course there’s room for you! I can’t do this without you.”
“But you can. You do. Every day.”
I blinked. “What are you talking about? Everything I do, I do it for you!”
“And I never asked you to.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. Frustration and confusion banded together, aiming to make me lose my cool. “How did taking care of you become a bad thing?”
“When you started deciding what’s best for me without asking. I’m not a child, Luca. I can carry weight too.”
“But you— The baby—”
“That was temporary. You made it permanent.”
“You acted like you enjoyed it!”
“I did. For a while. But you never asked if I wanted to take on more. You just assumed that was my place.”
“I’m not a mind reader! How was I supposed to know?”
“You could’ve asked.” Her voice cracked, but her stare stayed sharp. “You used to ask me everything. Now you just go with how you feel.”
I slumped forward, trying to hold it together and not let this run away from me. “But why didn’t you tell me? You’ve never been shy about speaking up when we don’t spend enough time together.”
Her shoulders sagged. “Because something is always happening with you. I have to choose between my needs and comforting you.”
The words landed like a gut punch. “So I’m a burden to you now?”
Her hand shot out, clutching mine. “No! You’re not. Our life is just … a lot. Neither of us saw any of this coming.”
We sat there, taking in the situation, letting it run through our systems.
Finally, she said, softly, “Soooo … we both suck at communication?”
I gave a humorless laugh. “That’s fair.”
She hesitated, then added, “I’m lonely, Luca.”
The ache in my chest deepened. “What about your friends?”
“I don’t really have anyone anymore.”
“What about Rashidah? You two were tight.”
“She pulled away. After Mark died, she remarried so fast I barely knew how to react. And then she stopped calling.”
“And Maia?”
“I love Maia. Always will. But she’s connected to you and Dub. I feel weird about reaching out when it’s just us.”
Every word she spoke was like another nail in my coffin. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
“I’m sorry. I hate that you’ve felt alone with me right here.”
She swallowed. The tears that had built up before were imminent now.
“I see you,” I whispered. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but I do. And I love you. I choose you. Maybe I could survive without you, but I don’t want to. I want life with you.”
“Then live it with me,” she said. “That’s all I want. You, Desi, Logan—you three are like a little club. Even when I came back to myself, you didn’t let me in.”
The dam broke. Tears ran hot down my face. I thought I was a good husband. Turns out I wasn’t even close.
She brushed my cheek. “Don’t cry. We’re not giving up, right?”
I nodded hard. “Never. I love you too much. Tomorrow, it’s just us, okay? I’ll call Less, have her watch Logan. We’ll get dressed up and go somewhere nice.”
She smiled, finally. “We haven’t done that in a very long time.”
“It’s a date then.”
Later that night, lights off, house quiet, I pulled Sophia close for the first time all week. It didn’t fix everything, but it was a beginning. And for now, that was enough.
