Later that night, after a shower and dinner, Mama caught me in the kitchen, getting ready to clean up. She was her usual cheerful, nosy self, asking about my day and who I met at the gym. My run-in with her man friend was still fresh, and her asking about people at the gym made it worse. I don’t doubt that I came across as standoffish, not that I meant to. But this situation is just super uncomfortable and maddening. How long do they plan to keep up this charade? Not that I care, but do they ever plan to be more than a secret? If her feelings were strong enough to break up our family, seems like she should break top speeds to be with him, not tip-toeing around like they’re still having an affair. She’s free now. What was it all for?
Maybe that’s not fair. Sometimes I think about the level of conflict she must have experienced to go through with the affair. She continues to express her love for Dad. If that’s true, giving into her feelings must have been quite a painful decision to make because fantasizing about being with someone and actually doing it is on two totally different levels. But what do I know? I’ve never been in a relationship. Still, if I’m right about the conflict, maybe she’s still struggling with it. Everything she’s done—except destroy our family—has been for Alessia and me. Our feelings and comfort are always top of mind. That’s one thing that makes her a good mom. Maybe hiding this relationship is part of that. But still… How long can she go on like this? Personally, I want all the secrecy to end for my own sanity and wellbeing. I’m not someone who gets upset much, and I don’t like how bothered I’ve been lately. I’m a man, but I’m still the child in this situation. Moderating this relationship is not what I want to spend energy doing, but I’ll do it to protect my peace.
My vague, non-committal answers to her questions weren’t sufficient, so she began telling me about her day instead. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, but I had to speak up.
“I saw your man friend today.”
“…What?”
She’s never been cross with me before, but there was a look in her eye that gave me a glimpse of what it felt like. Despite what she’s feeling and how this conversation could end, I had to finish this.
“He said he’d call you.”
I was this close to remorse as I watched the journey she went on. I didn’t want to upset her, and I always try to be respectful. But the embarrassment, hope, anxiety, and anger I saw almost made me apologize for bringing it up.
“How do you-“
“Come on, Mama. I’m not dumb. It wasn’t that hard to figure out.”
“Okay,” she said, hesitantly. “So… How do you feel about it?”
I feel like telling him to leave us alone and forget about her—and that’s putting it nicely. Even though she says she initiated things, it feels like he won and keeps winning by ravaging our family and enjoying the spoils. No matter how honest she’ll say I can be, I don’t think she’s ready to hear that. What will she do? Break up so I can feel better and be miserable for the rest of her life? I shouldn’t have that kind of power over my mother. No, I may not like the idea of her being with another man who isn’t my dad, but I don’t want her to be alone and unhappy for the rest of her life. And if this douche bag is the one who does it for her… I’ll eventually learn to accept it…the idea—not him.
“I don’t like it. But it’s your life, not mine.”
“Okay,” she said.
She knew I held back. I could tell by the disappointment in her voice. She is an open book and encourages us to be the same way. But sometimes maybe she’s too open. There is power in restraint. Despite what she feels right now, here’s the bottom line. That Zen Master wannabe is important to her, but she also knows there’s no way I’ll ever be okay with their relationship. But we’re not little kids anymore. She doesn’t have to choose between us and him. She can have us both, but there will never be peace.
“I’m sorry to make you uncomfortable,” she continued. “I try to keep it all away from you as much as possible.”
“But that’s the thing, Mama! We live in the same small town! I see this guy all the time! Do you know how annoying it is to watch you two act like you don’t know each other? It’s so frustrating!”
Her eyes grew wide. Did I offend her? Maybe my little truth bomb surprised her. Heh, or maybe she just realized how dumb they look.
“You made a huge mistake,” I continued. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy. If you want to be together, then be together! It’s not like we don’t know you’re dating. I don’t like that it’s him, but I’ll get over it…eventually.”
She watched me for a second, probably waiting to see if I’d retract my words before a bright smile cut through the tension between us.
“Alright,” she said. “I’ll stop hiding. Thanks, buddy.”
She turned around and left the kitchen, smiling. What did I just do?
