3.6 The little boy

Mama has her own space, and she usually sticks to it. I guess that’s her way of giving me and Less more privacy as adults. But this morning, she was up early—as usual—watching TV in the living room. That probably means she’s trying to fake run into us—mainly me. Did that man rat us out, and she wants to gossip about my night? Or did they really break up, and she doesn’t want to come out and say it? Frankly, I don’t care. I know that’s bad. That would mean she is sad, and I don’t want that. But I can’t bring myself to play her games this morning. If she wants to talk, she can come to me.

I can easily avoid whatever Mama wants to throw at me, but I can never dodge Less, and she was on me like flies on dog poop as soon as she woke up. She must have been exhausted last night not to grill me, but now she’s rested and ready to squeeze every ounce of whatever story she believes I have to tell. Maybe if she weren’t always living vicariously through me, she’d have her own stories to tell.

She interrogated me harder than ever, but I stayed strong, not that I had anything to hide. I hung out with a girl I was interested in getting to know…as a friend, for now. Just because we agreed to hang out again doesn’t mean she’s gonna be my girlfriend. She is my friend who is a girl…a really cute girl, but just a girl. Plain and simple. I don’t know much about relationships, but between my parents and classmates’ parents, I’ve seen my fair share of broken relationships. I wouldn’t say I want to avoid them, but I don’t think I should be in a rush to jump into one if I want any chance of not ending up like my parents.

Speaking of parents, after breakfast, I did yoga and swam a few laps. Just as I was going outside to check the mail, I saw Dad on the porch! He startled me in the best way. I never thought he’d come see us. Even though he and my mom are still sorta kinda friends, I just figured he’d think it was weird to hang out in her house, especially not knowing what he’d walk into showing up unannounced. But here he is!

“Dad?! Hey! What are you doing here?”

“I wasn’t doing anything, so I thought I’d come so you guys and check out the new house, finally.”

“Really?”

I’m pretty sure I was grinning like a kid at Winterfest, and I don’t really know why. It’s not like I think they’ll get back together. Honestly? I’m not sure if I’d want that. I mean, yeah, if they did, I’d be all for it, but at this stage in the game, I’m not seeing the point. Still, I guess there’s something deep inside of me that wants things to feel like they used to when we were still a family. That’s why I keep getting us all together every chance I can, I suppose. Maybe that’s the yearning from the little boy inside who doesn’t feel quite whole.

“Yes, really,” he said. “Your mom and I talked while you guys were in the bathroom at the restaurant in Senbamachi. That’s when she told me you weren’t moving out. She also said she wouldn’t mind if I came by to see you guys. At first, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I mean…you know. But seeing you two yesterday made me realize how fast time is moving. If I want to see my children, I need to see them no matter what.”

I’m…proud? Happy? Touched? I didn’t quite know how to respond to that without getting emotional, so I just let him in.

“Hey, Less. Look who’s here.”

She was so into whatever she was reading, she neither responded nor looked up to see him. Mama, on the other hand, stopped dead in her tracks, looking like she had just seen a ghost, and it was kinda funny.

“Dad’s here,” I said to her, as if she couldn’t see him standing there.

I was too happy for his arrival to be concerned about how they’d behave toward each other, not that they ever behaved badly before. It’s been a while, though.

“Hello, Ali,” she said stiffly. “Make yourself at home. Can I get you anything?”

“Hi, Em. I’m fine, thanks.”

They both sounded like they were talking to colleagues at work. Under normal circumstances I’d think it was cringe, but I was just too happy to care.

“Good. I’ll get out of your way then.”

She flashed a quick smile and disappeared into her part of the house.

Dad kept messaging with someone while we talked, and I felt the spirit of Mama and Alessia come on me as I fought the urge to ask who was this person. Was it a woman? Is it a double standard for me to be excited about the prospects of him moving on while I’m over here fantasizing about Mama and her man friend breaking up? Do I only feel that way because of who he is? Or will I side eye every man in her life? The things that make you go hmmmm.

Alessia still had her nose in the book and never once looked up to speak to Dad. It was as if she couldn’t hear us. I thought it was rude, but that must be a damn good book.

“Hey,” I yelled as the best idea fell on me, “have you ever tried yoga?”

I had planned to ask him about taking a class with me at the gym, but I’ve never known him to be athletic. Given his physical condition, I’m not sure if he’d be comfortable with that so I hesitated. But maybe he’d be open to try in the privacy of our yard!

“Yoga?” he asked, like he needed clarification. “You’re still into that, huh?”

I don’t know why, but him saying it like that kinda hurt. I know he believes in me and will support whatever I do, but he said it like he thought yoga was just some phase I went through or something. But I can’t be mad at him. Not really. It’s just our circumstances. We haven’t lived with him full time for a while, and he doesn’t know all the details of our lives anymore. That’s on me too.

“I’m gonna be an instructor,” I said. “Come. I’ll show you an easy routine. Let’s go, Less!”

I knocked the book out of her hand on my way out.

“Hey!”

“Oh, hey, Mama.”

Once again, she had that deer in headlights look. Is it bad that I think it’s funny she keeps getting startled by Dad?

“We’re just gonna do some yoga.”

“He’s a great teacher,” she said.

I’m glad she didn’t invite herself. Who knows how Dad will feel if everyone is good at the routine except him. Plus, we only have three mats, anyway.

“Okay,” I began . “Just breathe deeply through your nose and slowly out your mouth. Engage your core and force it all out slowly. Plant your feet into the mat. Dig your toes in. Be like an immovable tree.”

“Bring your arms up as high as you can. Try to touch the sky without coming up on your toes. Stretch out all those muscles in your arms…your sides…your core. Now squeeeeeze your palms together and press down. Don’t just let your arms fall. Create your own resistance and press down sloooow and controlled. Do you feel it in your bi-ceps? You don’t need heavy weights to tone those muscles.”

As we went through the routine, I snuck peeks at Dad to see how he did. He kept up for the most part and only had to do an alternate pose once, but he struggled a lot. He’s so muscular, and all those muscles are super tight. It was hard for him to even bend over. But it’s cool. If he keeps coming over, I’ll get him looking like me in no time.

I asked what he thought, and he enjoyed it!

“I feel like I worked out!”

“That’s because you did. The gym isn’t the only way to get the body in shape.”

Afterward, we all hopped into the pool and talked and joked around. Again, Dad was distracted by something or someone on his phone. I was surprised Alessia didn’t catch it, so I bit the bullet and asked.

I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Is that your lady friend?”

He had almost the same look Mama did when he walked into the house, and I almost laughed in his face.

“My lady…what?”

“Is. That. Your. Lady friend?” Alessia asked slowly, as if he were a child.

“No,” he said, unconvincingly. “I… Look, guys… I don’t want you worrying about me, okay? I’m fine.”

“But we want you to be happy, Dad,” I said. “You deserve new love in your life.”

“That may be so, but that kind of love isn’t a requirement for happiness, okay? I’m still trying to work some things out in my head, but I promise I’m okay. If I ever try love again, I’ll tell you about it.”

“You promise?” Alessia asked.

“Cross my heart and hope to live forever.”

“You better,” she said.

I can only hope that whatever he’s working out is helping him come out of the fog. He’s here, right? That has to be a big step. I have to believe that or I will continue to worry about him.