Mama had a few things to do before visiting us, so I didn’t know what time to expect her; just sometime that afternoon before Sophia got home. I worked out and did everything I needed to do in the morning to ensure I’d be home whenever she arrived. She greeted me with a big hug and a kiss, gushing about the house.
“This is such a cute little house! It reminds me of my first place in Brindleton Bay. I think this is a little bigger, though. How do you like it?”
“It’ll do for now.”
“Yeah, I bet,” she said, staring at my little monsters. “They definitely need more room. That’s how I ended up in Willow Creek. The things we do for our fur babies, right?”
I loved my little guys, but I don’t know if I’d buy a bigger house specifically for them. I mean, true, they factored into our thoughts about moving, but we had bigger plans to accommodate. But I wasn’t a dog lover like her, so there were plenty of things she did that I’d never do.
“Moving has come up, but we haven’t discussed it seriously.”
She watched them try to tackle each other and chase their own tails, mesmerized by doggy energy.
“They’re so rambunctious! I love it! Luca, you’re a daddy!”
I expected her to be excited, but it tickled me to think about how she’d be when I had actual children. She did everything for me and Less, so I knew she’d move Mt. Komorebi for my children. They have come up indirectly a lot lately, and now and then I thought about them, especially because I had to factor them into most everything I did. Originally, having children was this far off goal I figured I’d accomplish one day. But the goal got closer and closer by the day, and instead of fearing my lack of preparation and stressing myself out about it, I found the idea more and more appealing and welcomed it.
“LUCA, LOOK!”
Rosie began running in circles, and familiar twinkling orbs danced around her. I went outside to find Kooper, and he was doing the same thing.
“They’re aging up already?” I asked in disbelief.
Even though they were loud and got into everything, I enjoyed them so much as puppies, and I thought we’d have more time for shenanigans. But I was glad for their adult phase. We could do so many more things together like go jogging. I knew Rosie would appreciate that. She was the more rambunctious one and ran around the house and yard all day like she was vying for a prize. Kooper was much more low key.
“Happy birthday, little dude!”
I went back inside and scooped up Rosie.
“Don’t tell Kooper, but you’re my favorite.”
“Ahhh, so she’s the one,” Mama said. “Shiloh was always my best girl, but I had an extra special place in my heart for Hunter.”
“I feel like I shouldn’t have a favorite, though,” I said.
“Yeah, it seems that way, but it’s inevitable. We always gravitate to one thing when we have options. It’s natural and happens with everything…favorite shoes, favorite pen, favorite chair…”
“Favorite child?”
Her eyes flicked open, and jaw dropped in surprise. Catching her off guard was really hard, and I felt immense pride in my accomplishment. She pretended to watch the dogs to avoid answering me, and I snickered at her. We all knew who her favorite was.
I thought Rosie would make a mad dash for the door when I put her down, but oddly enough she sat next to us and Kooper as if she were actively trying to spend quality time, and I appreciated it.
Mama’s buzzing phone took her out of her fake busyness. A tiny smirk crawled across her face as she read the text. I had a question I’d always wanted to ask but selfishly never did, especially after I gave her permission to go public with Dwayne.
“Mama?”
“Hmm?”
“Why’d you never move in with him?”
Again, she was surprised.
“Would you have really been okay with him living with us?”
“Of course not. But even after we left. Every time I come over, I half expect to see him. I just thought you would have jumped at the chance.”
“No, I understand. I honestly thought I would too, but…
She stared out the window for a moment, collecting her thoughts.
“Saying yes to him wasn’t as simple as saying, okay we’re in a relationship now. I also had to say no to your dad.”
“You talked to Dad about it?”
She laughed and shook her head.
“Of course not! You see, even though we had been divorced for a while and were moving on, I still felt the need to show him how sorry I was. I felt like, if I got with Dwayne and lived happily ever after, that meant I won, and he lost.”
“But…that’s what happened.”
“I know. But I didn’t want it to be like that, especially since the situation wasn’t malicious. I liked Ali. I mean, I loved him, but I liked him. He’s really smart. Like, really intelligent.”
“Yeah. I’ve learned that.”
“Yeah! He’s kind. And he’s wise. I know you know that. He always impressed me, and I wanted him to like me too, even after it was over. Like, I knew he’d be angry for a while, but I didn’t want him to hate me. I thought, if I move on completely with Dwayne, that door would be closed and he would never like me. So, when I said yes to Dwayne, I had to close the door and let go of the hope that we could be friends again. I had to reject that fangirl in me who still cared what he thought. Most of all, I had to stop allowing my love for him interfering with my love for Dwayne, because whether or not I like it, I made a choice and needed to live with it.”
“Wow. That’s…wow…”
“Yeah… But the thing is, Luca…that wasn’t a one-time thing. I have to make those choices daily. Some days are easier than others. But lately…” She sighed. “Your dad and I are in a good place now. He likes me, ha! That makes it hard to commit to those choices, and I find myself peeking behind that door and cracking it open.”
“But, Mama…” I couldn’t believe I was about to rally for Dwayne, but I kinda felt sorry for the guy. “You’re with Dwayne now. Don’t you think you owe him all of your love?”
“Of course I do! This is the fight I have with myself every day.”
I sat there for a moment, mulling over her words, feeling bad that she was still so tormented, but really frustrated that she refused to live with her choices. The rest of us had adjusted and moved on while she still clung to the past. And honestly? She kinda reminded me of a child who had a room full of toys but still screamed for more and was unwilling to share. And sadly, that made it easier for me to see how she decided to destroy our family. She wanted to have it all. And in her own sad way, she was still trying to have it all. That’s when I realized what hid between the lines.
“If Dad came to you right now and said he forgave you and wanted you back, would you go back to him?”
She let out the longest, heaviest sigh I ever heard.
“I won’t say yes…but I can’t say no either.”
Wow. Part of me felt for her. The torment I put myself through with all this dating stuff paled in comparison to what she went through. But another part of me wanted to yell, “He’s not coming back! Get over it already!”
“Your sweetheart is home,” she said. “We’ll have to continue this later.”
