“What is it?” she asked.
I was so smiley and nervous. This was one of those things that could go left really quickly, and I didn’t want that at all. But I felt like we couldn’t ignore it anymore. No married couple knew every single thing about each other, and I looked forward to learning the good, bad, and ugly about Sophia as time went on. But this? Family dynamics were basics. Previously, I tried to blame it on the newness of our relationship, but she and I were not new to each other. She had plenty of opportunities to share this story with me while we got to know each other as friends. I shouldn’t have been wondering if her parents were alive or dead still.
“I think, uhhh… I think it’s time we talk about…your parents…if that’s okay.”
She sighed heavily, but not in an annoyed, exasperated way. It felt like she conceded reluctantly, torn between not wanting to but knowing she had to.
“Yeah…I guess I have kept you in the dark long enough.”
I almost told her she didn’t have to if she didn’t want to, but I bit my tongue. We were married, and I didn’t intend to end up like my parents. Sharing the hard things with each other was of utmost importance to me.
“I’m adopted…as you know.”
She paused for a few moments, staring at the floor, searching for the right words. She found some, but her eyes remained on the floor.
“When you adopt a child, you don’t get to choose who joins your family.”
She let that line hang in the air for a moment and had me on the hook already.
“You simply state what age you prefer and wait for an agent to arrive with a child. My parents…I think they were just so enamored with the idea of finally having a child of their own, they failed to consider this.”
My stomach felt queasy. I had no idea where the story was about to go, but it was definitely not heading in a positive direction.
“They didn’t want you?” I asked nervously.
She hesitated.
“They would take offense to you saying that, but they often made me feel that way. I wasn’t mistreated or anything. They made sure I had everything I needed and took care of me to the best of their ability. But they didn’t love me.”
I groaned in agony, thinking of what she must have gone through in her childhood. My parents may have put me through a lot, but never have I ever doubted their love for me. I believe their love sustained me. Who or where would I be without that?
“Sophia…I’m so sorry.”
She shrugged and kept going.
“I used to be sorry, too. Throughout my childhood, I thought I was the problem and needed to be better. But as I got older, I realized there was nothing I could do. I was a pretty freakin’ amazing daughter. They were the ones with the problem.”
The cat was out of the bag, but I was still nervous.
“But…how did you know?” I asked. “I mean, what did they do?”
“To start, they never gave me their name. They claimed they wanted me to remain connected to my heritage or whatever, but that was cowplant poop.”
Given that we just got married, that one cut deep. I think it would upset me greatly if Sophia didn’t take my name. That tradition had seriously deep significance, and they didn’t give it to their own child? I feared what else she would tell me.
“They always made a big deal about where I came from. We read books, watched documentaries, and whatever they could get their hands on so I understood what kind of blood flowed through my veins. In truth, it’s really great they did that. So many adopted sims are clueless about their histories. But when I got older, I found it to be weird. Like, they put all this energy into teaching me about my biological history, yet I didn’t have relationships with my own family. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen my aunts and uncles and cousins… I felt like they were trying to get me interested in my biological family so I could go find them and forget about theirs.”
Both my parents were the only child, so I had no extended family to speak of. Still, I couldn’t imagine my parents not interacting with them. I don’t think we would be super close, but I’d have a relationship with them, at least.
“We never went on vacations and barely went to local places together. My parents were not wealthy, so it took them a while to save they money to adopt me. It was easy to think we didn’t go anywhere because we couldn’t afford it or because they were older. But one time, my mom took me to the park. I was sooooo excited to be outside among other kids. I found something and wanted to show it to her, so I picked it up and ran over yelling, ‘Mommy! Look!’ She was talking to some other parents. The look on her face when I finally reached her… I was almost a young adult when I realized what that was because I’d seen it many times by then. She was embarrassed. The other moms were looking at her for answers because they’d never met me before, and she clearly never told them she had adopted a brown child.”
Maybe all the sims in my six degrees of influence were just cool because no one ever made a big deal about me having mixed heritage. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that kind of thing didn’t happen, but how could sims be so ignorant? I had no trouble imagining Sophia being the perfect child, but that was not enough for them, and it angered me. How could they go through the heartbreak of realizing they couldn’t birth their own children, struggle through saving the money to adopt, finally get a child, and not shout it from the rooftops? What kind of parent is ashamed of their own kid??
“Like I said,” she continued, “they took good care of me, but they kept me at a distance. By my young adult birthday, I had a clear picture of the situation, so I left home and never went back. Their care was an obligation, not love. It took me a while to see, but I was empty and it affected me; I hated them for it. I wanted to be loved so bad and went from relationship to relationship trying to fill that void in my heart. My ex was cheating on me pretty much the entire time, and I knew about it. I was that desperate for the crumbs he left me. It took a while, but eventually realized what a gem I am and what a llama turd he was. I didn’t have to settle for crumbs. And I didn’t have to be anyone’s obligation. My parents had died by then and left me some money, so I broke up with him and went on vacation for the first time in my life.”
I smiled.
“Mt. Komorebi?”
“Mmm hmm. It always looked so pretty and peaceful in pictures, and I definitely needed some peace. I went to spend time with myself, heal, and reset my mind. Then I met you.”
“Wow. I had no idea you had gone through so much then.”
“I just wanted it all behind me. I’m sorry for not saying anything. I know it wasn’t fair.”
I loved her before and tried to show her as much as possible, but I was even more compelled to ensure she never questioned my love for her. She was no obligation to me. It was an honor to love her, especially knowing she chose me after deciding what she deserved and how she wanted to be treated. I vowed to cherish her with every pixel of my being for the rest of my life.
