I watched my children play happily from the porch for a few minutes before I shattered their sweet, innocent hearts. Ugh. My poor Luca. He’s been through so much already in his young life. I hate to break his heart again. Maybe they don’t need to know about Shiloh yet. Maybe I can tell them when they come stay with me. I’ll probably be in a much better state then, whenever that will be. But I don’t like the idea of keeping them in the dark. Shiloh was their friend, too. They should know.
“MAMA,” Luca shouted, attacking me with the tightest hug he could muster.
“Hey, bud! It’s so good to see your face!”
Alessia was right behind him, unwilling to be outdone by her big brother. “Mommy, I’m faster than Luca on the monkey bars!”
“She is not!”
“Are too!”
I laughed at their petty squabble. I didn’t have a sibling to fight with and thought it was the cutest thing. I’m glad they have each other. “You’ll have to show me how fast you can go, Less!”
“I’ma show you right now,” she yelled.
“Wait,” Ali said. “Your mom came by to tell you something, so let’s have a quick family meeting, ok? You can show her after.”
“Okaaay.”
“I’m afraid I have bad news,” I began. “It’s Shiloh. She’s gone.”
“She ran away?” my sweet, innocent child asked.
“She’s gone like…like how Gammy’s gone?” Luca asked.
“Yes, son. Like that. I’m sorry.”
He stood there, eyes drooped and lip quivering. Nothing I can say will make him feel better, but I had to try. That’s what moms do, right? Try to make everything better?
“I’m sad too,” I said. “But the nice part about it is we can go see her sometime.”
I glanced at Ali who rolled his eyes at me. He still doesn’t believe in pet ghosts! Poor guy.
“How?” Alessia asked.
“I put her urn in the cemetery with Gammy and Grandpa. Maybe one night we can stay up late and go visit them.”
“COOL,” Luca shouted.
“Are ghosts scary, Mommy?”
“No. You can talk to them just like you’re talking to me right now.”
“Ok!”
And with that, she ran off and got back to her climbing business.
Ali laughed and shook his head at her. “I’ll let you guys visit.”
Luca watched Ali retreat inside before catching me off guard. “Mama? Why don’t you live here? I wanna go back to our house!”
He’s only a few days older than Alessia, but not nearly as innocent and carefree. Oy… I knew at some point we’d have this conversation, but I didn’t expect it now. What do I say? I don’t want to lie to him, but I think he’s still too young for the whole truth. Will he hate me? How will knowing affect him down the line? I hope this cut-down version of the truth will be sufficient for him. And I hope it doesn’t create more questions for Ali.
“I want you back at our house too, but Daddy thinks it’s best for you here with him.”
His eyes widened, as if being struck with inspiration. “You can live here too!”
My head fell into my chest. I really hate this. “I can’t, bud. I’m sorry.”
His droopy face and whiny voice returned. “Why not?”
I hesitated for a moment, taking several deep, courageous breaths. Here goes nothing…
“Because… Sometimes mommies and daddies hurt each other’s feelings and need some time apart to get better.”
He thought about my words for a moment. “So…we’ll go home soon?”
I love how smart he is, and knowing I’m missing out on his and Alessia’s growth right now is more painful than this conversation! “Ummm…kinda. But not exactly. You’ll have two homes.”
He cocked his head.
“You see,” I said, waffling, “This is Daddy’s house now. Sometimes you’ll live here, and sometimes you’ll live at our house.”
“But why?”
“Because…I really hurt Daddy’s feelings. He doesn’t want to live with me anymore.”
“Did you say sorry?”
“Yeah, I did, bud. I said sorry a lot. But sometimes sorry isn’t enough.”
I wish I realized that sooner.
