I laid down for a while, but it didn’t really help. I was so miserable. Mommy is the one who gives hugs warm enough to cure diseases, but for some reason I really just wanted my daddy. I miss talking to him and listening to him play guitar. I’m ok most of the time, but it catches me at random times. I asked her to tell me about how they met. Would you believe he just showed up at her house one night? How bold! At first I found it hard to believe. But thinking about it, my daddy always got straight to the point. The next question I asked, I got way more than I bargained for. I wanted to know why it took them so long to get married. They were so in love and happy. I didn’t see why a couple would raise a child together in the same house, love each other immensely, and not be an official family unit. To my surprise, she said Daddy didn’t see it that way. Then she unpacked their entire history.
I was not ready. I know it was shocking for my parents to discover they were having me, and I can sorta understand my dad’s hesitation. It’s just weird to think about a time where he didn’t want me. I can’t even imagine it. Heh, but this also explains Mommy’s stern warning against woohooing without protection. As a protective mother, she would have told me that anyway, but a tiny part of me wonders if she wished things were different. Like…maybe my ill-timed arrival messed things up. All of this was too much on top on an upset stomach.
I excused myself to be alone and play chess. I’m not good at it, but it was a nice, concealed spot on the side of the house I could hide for a while to process. This is why I want to get married before I have children. I don’t want any of this complicated relationship mess and bring my children into that. I want to be with someone who is ready to love and wants a family as much as I do. And I want all of us to have the same last name!
Mommy let me have a few minutes before finding me to clarify a few things.
“You were a surprise. But we never thought of you as a mistake. You were the best thing that happened to both of us. I mean that. If your daddy were here, I know he’d agree with me. Our problems and your birth were not related in any way. If you weren’t born, we would have still went through. Heh, maybe I would have left him. But I need you to understand… I don’t regret for a second having you. I always wanted you, and I don’t want to imagine my life without you. Ok?”
I never doubted my parents’ love for me, but that was really nice to hear in light of this new information. On the flip side, she went on to remind me of how amazing she thinks I am and that I deserved the best of the best. She wanted me to remember this while I’m out here dating because she didn’t want to see me settle for less than I deserved. It’s why she wanted me to explore beyond my high school drama (and why she can’t know I went to the jungle with Dwayne…at least not yet). She wants me to be with someone who deserves me. I wonder… Did she feel she settled for Daddy? Did he not deserve her love? I guess I was too young to remember when they weren’t on the same page. I feel like he did, but my perspective is completely skewed.
“Woohoo is amazing, but it’s not everything. Your boo should have more to offer than a good time under the sheets! I want you to be with someone you can’t picture life without. If you’re even the slightest bit unsure about someone, move on. Don’t waste weeks trying to figure out if they want to be with you or not.”
Wow. There were so many things hidden between the lines that created so many questions. Maybe one day when I’m less overwhelmed I’ll ask.
