I appreciated her asking, but the question blindsided me and I hesitated to answer. The issues that still haunted me were mine to work through, and I didn’t want to burden her with them. The last thing I wanted to do was make her feel even the slightest bit of regret. But I couldn’t lie to her and say everything was fine. No matter what I wanted or how I presented it, this burden would always inevitably end up at her feet. She had always handled me and my hesitations with grace, but I wished she didn’t have to handle them at all.
“I’m going to be honest with you,” I said, “but I don’t want you to take it personally and think you did something wrong, okay?”
“Of course. Okay.”
I inhaled deeply and bared my soul.
“Being here with you gives me so much joy. I am where I want to be. These feelings I have for you…I’ve been trapped inside myself with them for a while. You forced me to reckon with them in a way that both scared me and freed me. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have concerns.”
She nodded slowly, and I feared she still took offense despite my warning.
“You think this is a mistake?” she asked.
“No! Being with you is one of the best decisions I ever made, however scary and unexpected it was. But…”
I had shared many things about my life with Sophia, but I glossed over the painful parts in favor of keeping the mood light and not wanting her to feel sorry for me or whatever women did with men’s drama. But I couldn’t keep her in the dark forever.
“The thing is,” I continued, “My parents are divorced. You know that. What you don’t know is how it affected me. I didn’t find out why they broke until I was well into my teenage days. I lived nearly my entire childhood wondering what happened and confused about why we couldn’t be a family anymore, especially when my parents seemed to get along.”
“My mom cheated on my dad for literally no reason. She was in love with another man their entire relationship, even though she said she didn’t realize she had feelings for him until right before she cheated. But anyway…I was so devastated by that. Like, I just couldn’t picture it. My mom? She was so perfect and magical to me. I just couldn’t imagine her hurting my dad like that…hurting me like that…”
“And to be so flippant about it? Who decides to destroy their family like that??”
My face started getting hot, and I couldn’t lose my cool, so I took a moment to calm down before continuing my sordid tale.
“Ever since then, bits of information about their relationship and past lives keep coming out here and there, and every time I think it can’t get worse, it does. I feel like if this can happen to two people who were very happy and in love, what hope is there for me? I have zero reassurance that I can be happy with someone for the rest of my life.”
I took another moment to breathe and reflect on everything I blurted out. If I didn’t have Sophia and hadn’t committed to being brave, I think my words could have hardened my heart. But I continued.
“My parents started dating, moved in together, and got married within a matter of days. One thing my dad said he would do differently was date longer. We’ve known each other way longer than my parents did, and even though it feels like we rushed into living together, I know that’s not really the case. But I can’t deny how familiar this feels. On one hand, I feel like we have a solid foundation and are well on our way to a long, fulfilling life together. But on the other hand, I feel like we’re following in my parents’ footsteps and are perfectly primed for repeating their mistakes.”
“Wow,” she said. “You never really told me about their situation. I figured it was just one of those things you didn’t like talking about. I had no idea it was that bad.”
“Now you understand why it took me so long to ask you out. I wanted to call you so badly immediately after getting home from Mt. Komorebi, but…I just couldn’t. This fear paralyzed me. I only recently decided to work toward fighting against it.”
“I understand, Luca. Trust me,” she said with a little extra something in her voice.
I turned back toward her with my eyebrow raised, but she turned away from me.
“I am all too familiar with what you’re going through,” she said.
“Yeah?”
She nodded.
“Let’s just say…I’ve been where your dad is…”
The anger that attempted to arise in me earlier returned, and I wanted to know names and addresses. What kind of idiot cheats on a sweet angel like Sophia??
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, thanks. I’ve had a lot of time to get over that, but like you, there are certain things I haven’t been able to shake. And also like you, I’m working to grow past them. I asked you to live here because I know you’re the man for me, and I am the woman for you. I love you, and I want you around. But…there is a tiny voice inside that tells me I need to keep you close so I can watch out for threats. I ignore it because I trust you, but it doesn’t go away completely. So…yeah. I know what you’re going through.”
I completely missed the last part of what she said because my hearted pounded in my chest so loud I couldn’t hear a thing when she admitted she loved me. SHE LOVED ME?!! The weight of her admission pressed down on me, filling me with a mix of exhilaration and terror. I wanted to reach out and hold her, to tell her how I felt and say it back, but the fear held me captive. I could share many things with Sophia with ease, but when it came down to exposing the deepest depths of my heart, I freaked out. The words got stuck in a huge knot in my throat. I swallowed a few times, trying to stuff down the fear that tried to choke me, but it prevailed.
“I…I want to say it back. I’m trying to… In my heart, I know that’s what I feel, but…”
I longed for the words she deserved to hear to flow effortlessly from my lips, and it pained me to admit I wasn’t ready. It hurt so bad I could feel the pressure of tears building up behind my eyes. But I couldn’t cry in front of her. Not over this, especially after everything I’d just confessed to her. But she grabbed my hands and caressed them, giving me hope that one day I’d be okay enough to tell her exactly how valued she was.
“Hey…it’s okay, Luca. Don’t beat yourself up. I said it because I was ready, not because I wanted to hear you say it back. We don’t have to be ready at the same time. I agreed with what you said about us rushing. It was a long time coming, but it was sudden no matter how you look at it. You need time to adjust, which was why I asked the question in the first place. Don’t rush the process on account of me. When you’re ready, you’ll say it.”
I don’t know what I did to make the Watcher deem me worthy of such a woman, but I was eternally grateful.
“I’m glad you understand. You’re a real gem and I…”
I tried to ignore her and force myself to say it, but it still wouldn’t come out. Instead, I said, “I care about you deeper than I’ve ever cared about anyone.”
She smiled.
“I will take that and cherish it.”
